My Life is not my Own

I will be the first to admit, I have a good life. I also have days within that good life that are a struggle. This does not mean I would change my life, maybe tweak it a little, but I like the make up of my life (namely my husband and kids :))

Yet, I was thinking the other day even good things can be tough or at times you feel you just need a break or just to change up the routine a bit. To be a good parent takes every ounce of ones self. To respond, to be consistent, to listen, to be many people throughout the day that you are not and role play (pretending with Deveraux) to come up with a weekly schedule, to be attentive and ever watching. You are in charge of little minds, souls, and bodies! It requires so much and it is full on. You don't do "a little parenting." When you are in this space and time, even finding your own thoughts can be hard at times.

I catch my reflection in the oven glass door while preparing for dinner and see many fly away hairs, unaware of the last time I looked in the mirror that day and reflect on how many months it has been since my last hair cut.

My life is not my own

I want to complain about what I want and what I don't want. Sometimes I don't want to be the only grownup in the group.

My life is not my own

I want to get up on a Saturday, lay on the couch, eat when I want and just watch movies.

My Life is Not my own

I want to sleep through the night

My life is not My own

And yet, I want this life. I came home this morning from a jog, a rare treat due to schedules, but one I cherish. I listened outside the window as I heard Andrew, Anderson, and Deveraux all in the bedroom. What a joy, I heard giggles, Deveraux trying to help Anderson, picking out of an outfit, so familiar little voices... and I thought, that is what I want to be a part of...that life...my life!

Also, is our life ever our own if we belong to Jesus? We are to be an outpouring. Parenting makes the outpouring harder to say no to or to turn off. We are called to serve and to not be so focused on all that we think we need for a good life. I am so thankful for this time set apart to be a momma. As I said earlier, it takes everything and I feel this is a sacred set apart time and I want to cherish it and hold it precious. Sometimes it is mind boggling that I have two in my care who look to me. I often feel that I miss many moments of opportunities with them, they are sponges right now. I just want to do the calling a ministry justice. Only by Grace!

Here's to all of us whose life is not our own!!

The conversation over dinner went like this...

Deveraux out of the blue said, "I kinda loved Jesus when I was about one. Now I LOVE Jesus."

All I could do was say, "come here" and grab her and hug her and let her know that I could not hear anything better. She knew and I knew what those words meant.

It is just one of those moments I will not forget.

"Movie Star"

I was going out! A big deal in my house. I had a little boy wanting to get in the shower with me. I hollered out, "Drew, where are you?" Then Deveraux didn't want to leave my side until she knew what I was wearing. Then just staring said, "you look so pretty." Most days are sweat shorts or swimsuits.

There are times in my day that I feel that "nothing is sacred." You pour a drink, it is drunk from, you leave anything out and it is explored, you go down the stairs and you have the pitter patter of little feet following you. Mostly everything you do is watched, asked about, or touched. There are times you just want your own. But then you leave it and get the much needed perspective and you think, "I am a movie star in my own home."

Who else in life cares so much about your every move with such curiosity?

So I came home that night and I had two very happy children to see me, we had a " love fest." Anderson kept hugging me and then looking and then hugging. Deveraux just wanted to lay on me. I held my babies and put them to sleep. Ahhh, nothing like it. I think I will keep my movie star status! And just leave every once on awhile for us all to be reminded of all we have.

And just think I get to be a movie star again tomorrow!! And I am not ready to give up my leading role any time soon!

Tsunami!

Well we survived Tsunami 2012! I wanted to share this story because for me it represents how God see us and takes care of us. How much more will he take care of us than the birds of the air... I had been feeling kinda low the previous day, the familiar ache of feeling the lack of friendship, uncertainty of my choices regarding Deveraux's school, and just you know "the blahs". The next evening Andrew and I were talking about our house and I was expressing to him that I wanted our home to be used more and the spaces to be filled. So fast forward a couple of hours when I was about to go to bed and listened to a voice mail around 10 pm and heard there was a Tsunami warning and then the sirens went off. Well Andrew and I went into action as we heard from one family and called other family members on island who were going to come stay with us as we are in a safe place. So I awoke to 12 guests as we had pancakes and eggs and I felt full as the pictures around me were seeing people we love gathered around the table, my dad flipping pancakes, my husband having a good chat on the lanai and not at work, Deveraux loving life with all our guests, and Anderson curiously looking at Sawyer, a brand new 2 1/2 week old baby. This is what we were meant to do and the open house we want to offer! It just felt right and I was ready to start a bed and breakfast (he he). Thank you God for noticing what we need and Your provision is not lost on me, I get it and I thank You! Thank you for using our lives and man it feels good! (I don't have any pictures on my camera from this event because I have been dealing with a broken camera, for any who know me, that is a small tragedy. But the pictures remain with me!) The first time I wrote this I forgot to even include in this entry anything about Japan. A picture of how sheltered my life is. I am so out of touch of tragedy around the world. I feel very aware of wanting for myself and my family for us to be aware of need around us and to invest our lives. I am open to see how that unfolds!

Colorado Visit

Well we went to our "second home" Colorado in February. We had not been home to visit for an entire year! This was the longest time I had been away.

It was so good to see everyone and see the Colorado landscape, I do miss the sense and the place that Colorado evokes in me. I think when you grow up somewhere and have so many memories there is a feeling you cannot even name that is stirred and you just want to sit in it. It was also great seeing so many shops and so close! It is still wild when you live on an island where you travel 45 minutes to Walmart to be able to have access to so much.

Highlights...seeing Deveraux and her cousins play and I mean just Play, seeing Anderson in the snow, taking in the family just loving on us, the mall carousal and train ride, American Girl Doll dream store for Deveraux, seeing the mountains, and just the feeling of being home.

The hard part was the flu that descended on many members of our family including Anderson, it was stressful and it is difficult acting as a single parent but it always makes me feel strong and confident when Anderson, Deveraux, and I weather a journey together. We tried to press on and continue in activities but I especially missed out on seeing my mom and having Anderson enjoy our outings. There will be a next time. My sister said I seemed less filled with agenda and just went with the flow more, in part I think that comes with having 2 children, sometimes you just have to go with it! I really didn't see many people, that hopefully will come next trip, there are many faces I would like to see!

I returned thankful and blessed along with the familiar ache of leaving something behind that I shouldn't be leaving. It is hard to be away.