I also know I am ready to post when my mind is swirling and I feel the need to write. My journal has always been a place for me to "unswirl", yet, now I feel more drawn to do it through a post.
I have been somewhat hesitant to write about our future because it is uncertain and because I guess I feel the package needs to be presented more complete and whole. Well it is not complete or whole but I feel it is good to mark and to write about.
At the beginning of May, Andrew came home from work and told me he had talked to the national Director of Sales and he told Andrew to get ready for Maui soon as the hiring process was coming. When we came to Carmel, Andrew was told he would be able to come back to Maui once the Hyatt began to build in Maui. The news that Maui was on the horizon further solidified the truth I was already feeling....I loved where we were living. I had found a home both in friendship and in the beauty that surrounds the area. So I had the thought/prayer about Andrew becoming the Director of Sales because we knew the current director was possibly going to lose her job. Well 2 days later, Andrew was offered the Director of Sales job. I was so excited and this further solidified how much I really wanted to stay. Together, we made many notes that weekend, plans that Andrew wanted to execute, we were ready with hopes set for him to "try out" this new position even though Maui was still on the back burner.
Well 3 days later, there came from those above Andrew what seemed to be "back pedaling". They wanted Andrew to make a quick decision and seemed more noncommittal about Andrew's potential role as a manager at the Maui Hyatt. It was very disappointing. It became awkward for Andrew with co-workers who wanted the Director job and things seemed much more stressful at work. Andrew quickly realized he did not want to take on the position and that it would not be a good move professionally for him at this time to be the Director at the Carmel site.
So here we are at another crossroads.
Andrew did not anticipate this role change a couple of months prior, he was simply making it work until he could get back to Maui. I did not anticipate my heart becoming so involved here. When we left Maui we focused on how hard it would be to start over in CA, I did not anticipate it would be so hard to leave.
Of course many talks occurred, as we have been here before. A theme in our lives together. I went through all the honest questioning of.... do we always do what Andrew wants, should I take a turn, I want him to realize how hard this is on me, and I kept going back to wanting him to take on the challenge of taking this new position. We stopped at one point and knew all the stuff about his job was not the point, we both realized the point was us and we needed to focus on all that we did agree on and come together.
Does this place where Andrew presents a new change sometimes feel like a choice less choice? Yes, at times, Does it feel sacrificial-yes. Would I say yes again-yes.
I desired for something to create meaning to move to Maui.
Fast forward to Colorado. A talk with my sister and I realize that I can say yes to moving back to Maui. I can give this to the man who loves me and provides for us. Maybe this is my calling, to follow my husband. I have known for sometime, you can get used to anything. And I have and I have been so blessed by all the pilgrim adventures we have been on.....
Now fast forward to coming home after vacation, Andrew is finding it harder and harder to go to work. He wants to be honest with those he works with and let them know he definitely does not want the Director job and still very much wants to pursue only Maui. My resolve to want to be on board for Maui and give this to Andrew starts fading with the possibility that it could become a reality. Andrew and I realize our anxiety and uncertainty are the same even if we feel it in desiring a different outcome. That feels good to us. We can identify with one another even in the differences.
He submits his resume, we are waiting to hear, he pursues all the key players diligently and tenaciously. We are praying. The prayer is if there is a specific direction let us know, if not, we will make the best decision we can. The prayer is one of faith as we wait. We cannot get this time back. The eye of the storm, the waiting, the faith building in-between moments, those moments we all want out of...... can be a gift when they are used to call out. This is faith. To not know for certain an outcome and yet to believe in a God who does....
So do we believe what we pray? Do we pray with belief that He will answer? We listed last night all the ways God has been faithful to us, reminding ourselves how He has seen us through.
Tonight Andrew receives a text that the leadership team has been formed in Maui and does he have any interest in being a Sales Agent. We are shocked, in disbelief, not anticipating it would come to this....no phone call, no interview, and all the talk leading up to this that it appeared as though he would have a good shot at a management job...and now feeling somewhat deceived and feeling he has been treated unfairly and wondering how it is tied into not accepting the Director position here in CA.
So now what. I don't know. This is the messiness of life. I thought we would have many choices, now our choices seem less clear and just plain less. I feel sadness for Andrew. There has been toil and time waiting for Maui for him I feel confused and surprised. I felt like staying on my bed (and not joining in on dinner) this evening as I felt all the energy I had left (I have been sick with a cold) leaving me. I felt for Andrew today before I even knew this news would come.
I also feel we prayed. While I don't want to "shine" this up and say, "we should feel great because this must not be what God intends for us"....it is kinda true. It is still hard but God is either on the throne or He is not. If we prayed to include Him, then He cannot be shut out now that we didn't get the choice we wanted. We prayed. We asked. I don't have much clarity on all the ways God works. I know He desires good things for us. I know Andrew is His son. I know He wants us to trust in all the ways we have been blessed and how He has seen us through. And I will choose to believe God is in the answer. I will seek to hear Him. And I will continue to seek and find God in the day to day.
From Power of a Praying Wife..."God doesn't want us to know the future, He wants us to know Him. He wants us to trust Him to guide us into the future one step at a time. In order to understand God's leading, we must seek Him for every step."
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Andrew and I will press on in this together. We will look back on this. We will have more 'climatic scenes.' I want to look back knowing we were intentional in the days in between, we sought and trusted before we knew the outcome. The results and outcomes will come and go over and over in our life time and "this too shall pass"...but how will it pass? Will we choose one another? Love? Will we commune with God? I hope so!"I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future, and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
'There is hope in your future." Jeremiah 31:17
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