The days are uncertain. We are baffled why parts of her have just seemed to crumble before our eyes in the last couple of years.
Its funny how a "new normal" creeps in... but one that doesn't feel very normal. Parts of my mom we knew even two years ago have changed, yet we are getting used to not expecting certain things.
It doesn't make sense why this would happen when my mom is finally through with the task set before her of her full time career. She finally could taste that freedom of retirement, more time for us and for our kiddos and pursue new things.
There is a certain cruelty in the very thing my mom struggled with in the past that could have freedom finally tasted in her future is blocked now by a mind that will not work and remember.
Healing takes memory. Relationships take memory.
I don't know how to lose a mom. She is the ear to my stories. She is the one who ever really sees me as the one at fault. It feels too soon to switch roles. But here we are.
Life is just never what you think it will be.
My mom has an appointment on Friday for the neurologist to find out why her short term memory is worsening and her overall functioning is worsening. Last year after different, tests, Alzheimer's was ruled out. It is back on the table. I thought we have evaded that one.
One will never learn how to lose a mom. They slip away. No fingers, voices,cries ,prayers or screams bring them back. They just go. And there we are helpless and never understanding. There are no lessons to losing a mom. It's the hardest thing one will ever do. I love you my precious Shannon... I only wish I had answers..
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