It is amazing how quickly time passes. How many times will we say that in our lifetimes. Last I wrote was September. I think Instagram has replaced some of the documenting I felt the need to not forget and posted in this space. But I like the freedom of being able to write more in this space and hope to do more and catch up a bit. Sometimes I feel the need to write and have the space and mental capacity to do so. Today is that day.
So I see a big "fake" tree in front of me. I don't want to like it, (silly of me) because it is fake and I grew up with real and think a pine tree one of the loveliest smells. But our tree is big and beautiful and makes me happy whenever I look at it! I hear Christmas music playing, which Dev has had on for weeks and I love it. I see a bluish gray ocean with an overcast sky and I love that. And Andrew took the kiddos out to get groceries for Dev's birthday party happening this afternoon when all will not be quiet and still in this space. So I write for a minute.
I realize how much I need quiet. Space and time to think. Be with God without feeling pressured to get to the kids. My life is so full. So good but so full. I have been thinking again how much I feel I want and need to work on. There always seems more to do in the hearts and spaces of this shared space we call family. Then I paused because I realized how often in my life I have felt a nag that I am not cut out for my life and that someone is always doing it better. So my "better than me" people right now would be the homeschooling posts I look and see how those moms are doing my life. They somehow have a corner on that piece I can't muster. The problem is that I can't see past that little square they send and this is my life with my people so it will always look different!
When I get to step out of my life even for an hour- which means a pause with no little people asking, needing, or conflicting with one another. When I re-engage I am refreshed and I have more self to give.
Some thoughts that have been swirling around the clamor in our lives. The clamor seems to be louder in certain seasons. The question is, how do we quiet the clamor? My reading landed me on the word, Refuge. How can taking refuge in God quiet the clamor? I want to believe well behaved kids, a clean house, stuff, productivity and the to do list checked off will all quiet it. But I know those things are temporary and often out of our control. If I rely on those things to quiet my clamor I think I begin to live a controlling roller coaster existence.
The Psalm speak about refuge. 'I take refuge in the shadow of His wings, He is my refuge, blessed is the one who takes refuge, My God in whom I trust, I sing for joy." There is something in all of that I long for and it doesn't seem at times like an easy grasp maybe because it hinges on relationship, time, and trust. I know it is not a quick fix in that when we need some refuge (when the clamor comes) that we stick our coins in the machine to receive. And I also know God would not promise something that He wants to give us and then withhold it from us. I am so thankful for this bible study gathering right now in our home where we can talk about these things and I can bring them up to the group to mull over.
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