Deveraux

"I don't want to go to school today', she said, "I don't like school."

My sister quoted my own words back to me..."I will be okay as long as she is okay with it."

Well fears were realized this morning.

She is not okay (for now) with school.

My first reaction is, "I can't handle this, I won't handle having to leave her at school with tears, I can't!"

I look at her anguish and I feel my own.

I mostly feel my own as once a little girl with so many fears and feeling oh so uncomfortable.

Andrew also reacts with his own set of fears.

Neither are good for her.

I get my bearings and we pull out the calendar and began to look ahead with excitement for the days to come and it is a good distraction and we are ready to go to school.

I let her know I don't want her to run from school based on fears and tears but we might at some point come to the conclusion that home school is a good choice for us.

I know in my life what it means to flee from the feelings of fear and anxiety, it is not a good place.

We check in at the office and I feel the pressure of authority as I try to get her tardy excused.

How can she serve detention for tardy's when she is already struggling with school?

It is anguish for me for my girl and it is anguish to feel at the mercy of authority and rules.

I know I struggle with her being in school, I know I have a pressure to do it right when it comes to authority, and I also feel at times like I don't always know how to be an advocate or to walk confidently in my parenting decisions at school like being absent or tardy.  So at times, I would rather fly below the rather than be up front and direct.

It has gotten much better in the past week.  Deveraux was able to change seats and that turned her struggle around.

cleaning out Dev's shoes, i got sentimental about these boots (too small now) and Dev asked, "can boots be put into a quilt"...as we save all precious garments for a memory quilt one day.  But I don't think boots can be sewn into a quilt.

 I had a good talk with a friend today.  She encouraged me based on her own experience as a mom with a daughter.  Pain is okay, she said.  We don't want to teach our children to run from pain.  That sometimes they have to face school head on or whatever the situation that is difficult. 

 I still struggle with when do we as parents protect in some of those situations and when do we allow them to walk through it.  We live in gray, life is not black and white.  I don't want to be rigid out of fear..."You can never stay home because I fear you will never want to return." Or trusting feelings at times in that sometimes we all need a day.  Or the opposite, we are at the whim of our feeling that they dictate all that we do and "I will protect you for everything" (which is not possible). 

  As this friend reminded me that feelings are not always accurate representation of reality and that we don't have to always react to our feelings.

She also encouraged me to instill in Deveraux the belief  that she has what she needs in God and what He has instilled within her to face this life.  I don't always have to be in control or solve "it all".  To be able to say, "Deveraux I know you are going to work this out and I have every confidence you have all you need to make good decisions in your day."  Oh I can hardly imagine not giving her every ounce of whatever I have stored in that area to pour out, but that isn't always the best choice.  Of course we provide guidance, yet letting go of a little control to allow her to believe she can do it. There is something that feels good about that!

 As my friend reminded me, our children are one day going to be adults, that is a reality.  We as parents should often pause and ask, how can I help grow them in this direction and how will this behavior look on them as an adult. 

There is one direction our kids are going...growing...

I ask myself....

What legacy do I want to leave them?

What kind of people do I want them to draw to themselves based on who they are?

How can I guide them so maybe they do not walk those painful paths I have worn thin?

Can they make good decisions?

Can they trust God instead of always looking around the corner for me or Andrew?

Can they embrace their feelings being fully aware of them and yet still walk on?

Can they face the difficult?  The uncomfortable?

Can they know they have been given everything to lead a Godly life?

I hope I can love them so well and lead them.

Yet, not always have the goal of comfort for me or for them.

To lead them in Godly wisdom so they have good full lives and make an impact in this world for the Kingdom!

God, You can be her buffer, her protection, and trust that she is in the best hands.