A rock and a hard place

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him.

He alone is my rock and salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.

Psalm 62:5-6

 

  

So many thoughts running through this brain of mine so I need to write.  It many be a jumbled mess but it feels important to get out. 

 

I am feeling right in the middle of a rock and a hard place.

 

I will start with the hard place.  I told my two older children today at our school table that 

I am weary and not sure I want to continue home schooling.  I said it.  Was it wrong? Revealing to much?  Maybe.  But I felt I had to say it.  We were working on a group project and there were negative comments made and impatience expressed.  I had just looked at an IG post about these wonderful morning circle times this one homeschooling mama has....and ours was a "hot mess" today.  Cambria trying to push out Bobo to get in my lap while  I am trying to read our Bible story.  Trying to rush through lessons so I could explain to Bobo what he needed to do before I put her down for her nap.  It was not the pretty homeschool "everyone with their hot tea listening to a story" moment.

Oh I want to thrive in this place.  Why aren't we, I keep asking.

Is it me?  I am just not cut out for this?  I want things a certain way- order,

productivity, and days that work.  I tend to compare myself to others in this space

of homeschooling.  Is God about getting my attention and saying,

"Hey will you trust me in this hard place?"  You don't need to change much

except for your level of trust. 

 

Is it them?  They just need more doses of kindness.  They need to be different.

 

Is it our schedule? I haven't found the secret to homeschooling?

 

There are good days, it just seems we have not found that consistently thriving place.

 

I feel if I can find the answer I will do something to fix it.  But then I think But God might be up to something in me.  Just today I was able to share with Dev how just like she needs help loving her brother, I need help with homeschooling.  I can't do in without Him.

 

I just don't want to be doing something I shouldn't be doing or that is hurting my relationship with them or us as a family.  It sounds funny because homeschooling is all about family.  I just don't feel like I or we are thriving and I don't know why.  And there are moments I know I am not enjoying my kids as much as I want to in those teaching moments when I feel my back is against the wall.

 

I want to unlock something and I don't know what or where the lock is or where the key can be found.  And then what is crazy at then end of this hard day where we were in each other's presence

from 8:00-4:00, they have free time and they are playing Legos.  Together.  Go figure.

 

This is the hardest job.  I am asked to engage when I don't always want to.  I am asked to be the "bigger person" when I don't always want to.  I am asked to not be too sensitive but be sensitive enough to be willing to be vulnerable and real.  I am asked to see and love on each child in a consistent, meaningful, patient, with vision- way.

 

So I read this verse this afternoon for the Bible study I should be prepping more for right now.  And it stops me.  He alone is our rock...."Between a rock and a hard place."

That is just where I am. And this is who He is.  A rock by my hard place.

 

Then I read an IG post about a woman who spoke these words,"There is an ingredient in your TRY that activates victory."  Jen Hatmaker commented with these words "We tend to lean at the tragedy beginning of the story or at the resolution with a tidy bow.  But the real story is The Try.  The messy middle.  The Try is when you still get out of bed in the morning..  The Try is when you do the next right thing in the middle of pain and confusion and sorrow.  Something is moving you toward the finish line. Something is happening.  Something is literally winning over the fear.  It isn't nothing,  It is the real story.  Keep trying."

 

Of course it brought tears to my eyes because I am in the trying and I don't want to be.  I want to Know, I want change, and I want something to show for all of this getting up in the morning that feels more like victory.  But I am "between a rock and a hard place."

I just need to cling to the rock and wait trusting He will guide me.

(Good school day the following day on Tuesday, October 25th...

then we had three in a row!  And we are still

going on November 17th...we turned a corner after I wrote this post.

Thank you Jesus)