mom

October 2, 2017

We couldn't wake mom this morning. The nurse said she doesn't want to wake up. Of course she does I thought. If my mom is aware it's me, her Shanny goose of course she will wake up. Of course she would wake up.

She wouldn't wake up. I want to be worth waking up for. Is she too far gone in the disease to have will power over her body??  

Can't let go.

Not much to hold onto.

She said there is not a lot for her to do now.

Oh mom, at one time, your hands were full.  Full of babies,  Full of paints and brush  Full of packing and unpacking boxes for moves.  Full of grand babies.  Full of your helping hands.  Full of plans.  Full.

"You are good with her," Andrew sad to me. Well, I've known her my whole life. 

Spirit of God is present in mom's room.

And I don't have her anymore.

In some ways when mom is not doing well it is easier because the thought of losing her is easier. But I want to remember her and especially my kids as Gigi. So then I am glad she is alive while she has breath. Yet, then the good-bye is still out there. 

She is still there. It might be faint and just when you think all is lost, she appears. It makes me think the spirit is so tenacious and maybe more powerful than the brain. 

When will be our last meeting together. I just have to take each time and walk away full of our time together knowing we still can express love for each other. She can still do that. She may not have a full sentence, continually search for her words, not be able to dress or take her of her basic needs. But she can express love, laugh, be in on a joke, give a familiar look as we've known her face all our life, her hands....and be my mom for a moment.

Mom, I will remember for both of us.  I will hold onto what we had and how we felt towards each other.

Life is so fleeting. Those things once held onto for so long like a 50 year old ski sweater carried from house to house now considered for good will. Or that precious school ID that you cannot lose as a teacher now considered for the trash. The favorite activities like driving to meet a friend or go for a walk outside cannot even be a thought of let alone carried out.

What will we do with this one life.  How will her life change ours?  

She belongs in heaven. She always has.