Entry 1

Pandemic Journal
Entry 1
(just a small corner of the world)


I am so aware of the great pain in the world right now.  At this time, that kind of pain from the Covid19 has not reached me.  I do however, along with many people, have feelings about what is going on.  And like many people, we are all looking for and creating meaning in these days on a tilt.  Here is just a record of what has been going on for me.


I feel a bit lost right now.

Loss over not seeing mom and how long that will be.  Loss over surf schedule and traveling for Bobo's surfing where our family thrives, enjoys togetherness, and it's a bit of a break from the day to day homeschooling.

Feelings that this time (shelter in place) needs to count for something as everyone is trying to find meaning and I can't seem to find mine. My life feels the same on the outside in that I am at home and our life was already pretty simple. Andrew is home and that is different and good.  But I still feel that same tetheredness and I was longing for a break in rhythm and now we cannot.  It is not a change in my daily life but the time I needed a change, I feel stuck.  It's also not a novel time like it is for many.  And yet it also feels like everything has changed.

So thankful that Andrew is home and I've also had to battle feeling like I wasn't doing as good a job in Math now that Andrew is home and doing things differently.

I don't feel as free to move in our world and that feels hard.

I think I have just been responding to everyone and everything around me and seeing how they are all responding and just reacting.

I want to feel freedom.  What does this time want to offer me?  Get on the bandwagon.  Bring out the games.  Watch a move mid day.  Not feel stress.  Lean into something new and I can't.

My phone feels too loud.  Why can't I be disciplones to put it down.  I didnt have it for most of my life.

I have prayed for time with Drew. Here it is.  He is home.

I'm waiting for something to happen.  I'm waiting for this to all catch up to me.  I'm waiitng for alone time.  Waiting.  I'm not as productive as I would like to be. Oh why can't I start reading more.  Start a new habit.  Jeep in mud.

I'm struggling feeling close to Jesus.  Everyone says He is their peace.

I did hear this morning.  Quiet you phone and lean into your marriage.  I also heard it's okay to not strike gold every time when you get alone with Jesus.  Just keep leaning in.   So I'll keep leaning in.

And I feel better.

Sometimes you just need to take that minute and not wait for that hour block with Jesys.

I am also reminded of what someone shared on a podcast that it is human to feel, it is wired in our survival.  "Often feelings soften and release when we listen". I think that happened to me this afternoon in the big reading chair.  And sometimes we need a bit more, to let go of the stress response.  We can "thank our body, the good messenger, for the feeling telling me what mattered and what is important to me and build a trusting relationship with our body and feelings."