Journal Entries

Pandemic Journal
Entry 2
(Just a small corner of the world)


Christ in me.
Christ within me.
Christ before me.
Christ beside me.
Christ behind me.

Heard it on a podcast.  Heard it on another podcast.  And in a song.

All in the same day, Deveraux noticed it.  I want to keep noticing what He is saying to me.



Entry 3

Butterflies made me cry this morning.  Nature is not sick.  Butterflies dance around me this morning not contained, completely free.  

I realize how fearful I have been.  I have been living in a way that looks to the outside of who I am to be okay and determines my reality.  And there has been so much input coming from the outside.  Everyone is trying to make sense, conferences are being offered for free, art lessons, opinions about supplements, and on and on.

My cry was realizing I have wanted to be free for so long.  That freedom is highlighted even more as during a time where fear comes knocking at our doors.

I am being shown I must be a butterfly on the inside, for there are no guarantees. 

I received another lesson.  Open your eyes, speak where you are, and wait.  I didn't receive what I needed at the exact moment I asked.

The butterflies came later and it was exactly what I needed.  There is a vigilance, not a tiresome or dutiful one, but the good intentionality of noticing what is inside of us and what are we being shown.

The next day I headed up the path hoping for the same dance, there was only one butterfly.  And it was okay because when my heart really needed it they were dancing all around me. I will keep walking up that hill because it's life-giving and I will keep opening my eyes just in case.

But my butterfly moment will usher me into other moments where I will open my eyes to see what he has for me.

(I tried to capture a butterfly on my camera, but they wouldn't stop long enough, and I'm glad).

Entry 4


Marriage.

A place I have been wanting to lean into.  I was reminded of that in the fact that Andrew is now home.  Andrew asked me tonight if I would go through his cedar chest filled with memories he has saved from when he was Andy in Sunday School to his first high school sweetheart (not me) all the way to coaching basketball as a married man (yes me).

Together, we saw beautiful memories and sweetly reminding us of our history.  I received a few treasures, an old shoe shining brush and Andrew's grandpa's yo-yo, inspired to create a new space who cares if it's after 11 pm.  It was like shopping at Dwell in CO which I missed due to our canceled trip, I found Dwell at home.  And I was looking for a moment of inspiration.  At Easter, we will present gifts we found from long ago, among them an old fishing rod, a brush set, and a beautiful silver pocket watch to our kids and tell some of our beautiful stories to them, which I had already felt the prompting to share.

Butterflies.

And I also realized Andrew and I had prayed months back for a vision or dream that w could share in  together, perhaps a new venture. And it struck me, again not in the package I was looking for, but we are together in this season, co-working as teachers on our children's behalf, our greatest passion.