Entry 5
(Small corner of the world)
"Was avoiding it like the plague"...new meaning to that expression.
I was asking of myself (because I will be asking 24 other women later this evening) to stop for an hour inviting the Holy Spirit to come sit and talk through anxiety together.
Cue: dipping chips in hummus.
Cue: "Oh wow, someone started a live on IG, I never watch those it must be meant to be."
Cue: A million thoughts racing.
Why am I avoiding sitting with Jesus in the quiet? Some of the fear is that I'll be alone with Him and it won't be good or I can't stop my brain.
Here I go.
It was a good... almost hour to just sit and allow whatever anxiety wanted to come, to come. And one layer would come and then another.
I think this time of Covid19 has revealed what is really going on all the time and how little control we really do have. We always live in the unknown. Jesus is a bit unknown and a mystery. Covid19 is a bit unknown. And this virus seemingly like a big shift is really a revealer of what is reality. Much of our life is unknown and out of our control. I know our daily reality does not always entail trying to avoid getting a virus but we live with a certain security and belief that what we assume will happen- will and that is not reality.
It takes trust to another level.
I already live a bit in a tilt, the world seeming upright balances me a bit. I guess many days I can pretend for awhile that there is not tilt as my mind seems cavernous and the world gives me a break from both being in it and getting in others stories and its sense of stability. I believe this is why this season has been a bit unsettling.
I don't want peace in these days to be a "side dish of peace" as peace is not something we attach to something else. And Jesus isn't a quick access for me if I want to be authentic in a good and whole relationship with Him. I know it takes stepping away from living in other's lives (watching IG stories), cleaning another cabinet (productivity), or just doing anything but stopping with Jesus.
Journal:
Entry 6
"Where are you?"
A good question to ask maybe every day, weekly, monthly...
This is how I answered on this day.
-What do I want to pursue..dreams, goals. It is a funny thing growing older and asking those questions that have always held wide berth now seems like a more shallow shelf. But I don't want to give in to the idea that we just now pour into our kids as our day for asking that is done.
How do I fit into this new world of my family's video making and production? I have always felt in the center of the family wheel, and now I find myself for one of the first times feeling a bit on the outside. I have always loved photography but of course, never accomplished taking the class that would make me feel more confident and skilled in the craft. Now I see skills in my children and ways that they surpass and it's a bit hard in moments. For sure I cheer them on wholeheartedly but at the same time it points something back to me and its good to acknowledge that and deal with it a bit.
-I was beginning to look at my past before the pandemic and had pulled out old journals doing a deep dive into the pages trying to tie up some loose ends. Those ends are still frayed as other things have taken over. I hope to get back to that
-And I have asked, How am I loving my people? I didn't call my sister when she left me a message that my Aunt died. I want to be a better person than that. I want to rise up and do things in love for others and have that filter moment to moment. It felt good that I called my friend after her mother went to Jesus, talked to my sisters, and called my dad and those felt redeeming for love.
-And still processing the effects of the pandemic. I haven't felt left out of the party (a common feeling) because there haven't been any parties. What a nice break. So good to have Andrew home, of course not without moments of hard but working through those.
-I think my life already contains a bit of the hard and a life of limits, a bit of a life poured out as I can't do all the things in this homeschooled, recently out of toddler years life. So one doesn't try to dwell on the "what I could be doing..." You put your head down and love your people. I do love my life, it is mostly pretty simple (not simple people or problems) and this time (thank you Lord) didn't bring anything shockingly new.
-I have had almost moments of, I'm so grateful right now in this moment. Putting Cambria to sleep one night, I spontaneously whispered to her freshly asleep, "I'm so happy." Sometimes I wonder if I don't embrace those moments, those days because I'm almost scared something is going to happen. Yuck, I don't like that. But floating in the amazing ocean touched by amazing sky in a Maui (that I have certainly not always embraced - but have in this season of shut down because the beauty didn't shut down it just grew) I have been so grateful for my family and beauty during this season. And Deveraux once she decided to get along with her brother has been a game-changer for a more peace-filled home.
-I want to give myself permission to do some things that I have done in this stay at home time. For example, to watch that movie just because, throw caution to the wind a bit, do things out of order, say yes to everything fun in the grocery store....I can live pretty rigid in my head. A life of more freedom.
-Ugh. Though still not great at preparing dinners.
Entry 7
I felt Andrew and I had a breakthrough talk the other day. We were seemingly on opposite sides. But I was able to see common ground and uproot it and focus on that. Now I really wanted him to see my way but that would have ended in defensiveness leading to more arguing leading to divisiveness. But when I was able to say, "We both have the same goal for our family, that of seeing outside ourselves but we might want to get there by different means." Common ground seems to work so much better but you have to be willing to give up your filter and way of seeing for just a minute.
Entry 8:
I love growth. I love community. And when I look at it thought one lens, it doesn't make sense that people would "bail" on community. The way I see it. But when I look the other way that I'm not in charge of another's growth or tending to everyone, I can let go a bit. I am such an intentional person and I value that in others. When there is a seemingly disconnect or lack of acknowledgment, it is really hard for me. I can be tempted to believe once again, I cannot trust people. It is very triggering to feel abandoned or the unpredictability that comes with being in a relationship. I have only allowed a few people into that space and there is a certain expectation when I've given myself over. I was reminded once again this week that everyone has a story and often it has little to do directly with us, as we are, they are also operating out of their storyline and what they believe or their patterns of moving in the world. It is so good for me to remember.
The way of love says, love fiercely and intentionally. At the same time, hold a bit loosely especailly to the outcome. Again, my tending doesn't make them any more "mine" or guantee outcomes without loss or pain. Love has this strange way of loving with all your might and yet not grasping for outcome in the way you see fit. We just get to love and the rest is up to God and the person.
What's mine. Making comminity is not mine. Loving who shows up is mine. I want those guarantees for it is less painful.
My sister so lovingly reminded me: God is committed to us. Not the women being committed to the group.
"Where is God calling me to love?" "What is He showing me about love?"
Sometimes what looks like love is me still getting what I want. I try not to be too uncomfortable and I work to set things up in such a way, I think this is true in my family.
In friendship- When I am hurt I am most tempted to withdraw. I am learning disappointment with someone who doesn't translate that they are not trustworthy.
Also- always battling a bit with community. Looking for loyalty.
Will I love when...
I don't get my own way.
I'm offended?
I've clearly poured out and it's either not received or acknowledged.
It might cost something.
Psalm 146.
Don't put trust in princes/mortal men who cannot save.
Jesus is a faithful friend who always does what He says.
Entry 9:
Met for campfire Bible study, I think 12 of us showed up. Face to face. What interesting times. It was good to see everyone and felt like a celebration just for the simple gathering. It was a bit of a struggle getting there making the plans and being reminded once again of how hard relationship dynamics can be, forever learning how we all move a bit differently in the world.
Entry 10:
This is it for now on this thread. I'm going to try and catch back up to life a year ago on the blog. Deveraux has enjoyed reading it and that is inspiring to keep going.
But one final thought. Andrew and I have had more interactions for the sheet fact that we are in each others worlds more, him entering ours. That means a bit more conflict. But I feel we have weathered it well. We continue to see that love means reaching across the dividing line, it's just a matter of who goes first. I saw him move humbly towards me several times last night. His prayer stopped him as we were still in the midst of conflict but we weren't ready to deal with it. I believe that the nightly habit moved his heart.
And he reached out to me in a way he often didn't for much of our marriage. When I left the room shut down, he followed. That is always our hearts cry, that they follow.
We continue to learn that we have to ask for what we need. "I miss you coming to the other side with us for water stuff." And then I get to process maybe why that has changed for me and I also get to say, "I want to come more." Then I get to say, "Hey sometimes I don't want to bother you becase you seem irritated and you have met your threshold, but I still have a list that I need help with." He responds by saying, "Yes, I want you to ask but I cannot guarantee that I can help at that point." I'm learning the very simple idea of give and take. It seems so simple and yet lived out can make all the difference in a marriage. I can't always have my way neither can Andrew. So much of marraige is about taking turns, even down to the conversation itself. In marriage, we are asked to look at the other and adjust. Andrew is required to step out of his comfort zone a bit and maybe cross his threshold as he enters the world of homeschooling. Tempting to want to fly to the other side everyday or get lost in a new project. I am required to let go of duties or what I deem important and give to him and see him beyond sometimes what he initially or outwardly gives me. It is good.
We realized the couch on the lanai under the night sky every evening is our spot. I am so glad.
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