There is it. Resurfacing and catching me off guard.
Insecurity comes knocking. Relationship disappointment says hello once again.
One of my battles that has been dormant.
It comes in different forms but usually the same ingredients. Feel displaced. Not connected. Not chosen. Not the "friends kind of friend." On the outside looking in.
I haven't felt these feelings for awhile. I have been busy hands full with a baby and homeschooling. I have so valued my alone time because it doesn't come often. And I have felt the need (and willingly) to lay down any sort of outside schedule to tend to the needs at home. I have felt so satisfied with this way of life.
It is only when I feel a tug at that "friend place" or something triggers that familiar road of insecurity that I then look around and ask myself, who are my people?
I am okay until I am not. I am okay until I need that depth of relationship. I have it at a phone's distance but not as much on island. I get a taste of conversation or friendship and realize I am thirsty for it or I see where I was not invited and feel the familiar "not invited to the party " reality. When I don't know about what I am missing, I am okay. I am engaged in what is in front of me. But then what is in front of me gets sidelined by wondering why I was not asked to come along. And that leads to a belief that maybe there is something wrong with me.
I have to ask myself, how do I contribute to this scene. Am I overly picky about who I choose? Do I not initiate much because I get in my bubble? Do I send some kind of signal that I don't want to be included? Am I an irrelative mom who just won't bring life to the party? I am not sure. How do people perceive me...differently than I perceive myself? I am ready to invite people in my life to speak to this.
I get myself in the tunnel. I begin to become the observer of my life and others and everything gets put under the microscope. And I feel the lump in my throat. And I begin to wait for the disappointment. And serendipity seems to work not in my favor as the evidence builds affirming those lies that I am somehow on the outside once again. That I cannot have what they have and community feels so elusive. And that big dinning table that friends regularly share a meal around is only stuff I read about.
How I wish I was all together all the time. I wish I would not be so petty. Insecure.
Watching and waiting for my cue. My affirmation. Wish I wasn't bound by my past or uncertain of my future. I don't want to get in the way of the work God would like to do in my life.
In moments I feel I am a bit further in the journey. I have more of a sense what I offer in relationship and I know it is good even if no one takes it.
I just have a bit of a restless spirit, I think that is a bit of who Shannon is.... and as I wake from the baby cocoon I am sure that part of me will wake a bit and I will feel that in other areas as well. Like when I want to change something in the world or make sure I am living out my calling or be a part of something bigger. But its all about being known. Having community. Serving others. Being outside ourselves. And insecurity and watching are the opposite.
I know this is my story and I accept it. Even though I don't always like it.
I read yesterday in
A Praying Life:
Speaking about when Jesus said, "Ask whatever you wish...in My Name." The author states Jesus made such a statement (and explains why He didn't bring balance to that statement) because He wants us to move towards Him with all that we have and all that we are. We are not balanced (often "either despairing of ourselves or overconfident") and so that statement beckons us to come with all abandon. "Jesus wants to tap into the generous heart of his Father. He wants us to lose all confidence in ourselves because "apart from Jesus you can do nothing."; he wants us to have complete confidence in him because "whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit." (John 15:5).
So I put this struggle out to God and I have seen provision. Starting with Friday night. A salad and worship night at our church. Guess what the topic was: Friendship! This could have left me spinning some more. Surprisingly I felt at peace. I relished in the worship and that my girl Dev wanted to sit in the front row and during the service rested her head on my shoulder. The important thing became the important thing instead of getting overly sidetracked of how my friend life stacked up to what the speaker was sharing.
Next, I got another side swipe over the weekend of not feeling included. I was tempted to wallow once again. Instead, I joined the family on a trip to the other side. It was one of the most peaceful errand trips. I just felt thankful and glad to be where I was in those moments. Nothing grand but trusting. Of course, I have to keep giving this part of my heart back to God.
And then when I paused to pray and connect for a minute with God at a social gathering, I took a minute with Cambria and I believe she said, "ma" for the first time. A smile from God.
Paul Miller continues writing about how often we don't ask God. "We forget we are embodied spirits, designed to hear from God." There are different reasons we don't ask, but I want to start including Him more in my day to day. And not as a last resort and not because I "should", and not after I have worried and fretted first for awhile.
"When you start asking anything,' you'll be surprised with how your life begins to sparkle with the presence of God."
And a bit of resolve came for me. I decided I needed to put in my "big girl pants" and say, I am just not in that circle. And that is okay. I also felt I needed room for some introspection. Do I really want to be a part of the group or is it just that I want to be included and put those fears to rest. My life in this season has been pretty good and full. It is only when I feel not chosen that trigger goes off in me and taps into that core of not being wanted. Do I want a circle of friends in Maui where I know I am the first call --absolutely--am I okay without it...absolutely.
God wanted to draw me close. To take me to a place where I would abide. Where I as a facilitator of a study on prayer would have a real life current example of laying everything before the Father. I am defiantly on this journey and God has some things in store for me.
I want to be faithful. I want to have some growth in this area of my life. Gosh, lately relationships just feel like work and I am working too hard to please and/or to not give or feel disappointment. So I say God you are my rock and I want to look to You for my shelter, my compass, my steady.
So tonight I choose my girl. Because she is here. I can choose to engage or bemoan my circumstances. I will be with her and focus on the things that last.
I feel Him in this and that is good.
