I had the thought this morning as it was just Cambria and I (the other two went with Andrew to work) that they (my children) are my saving grace from myself. I was stopped by my own "rabbit chasing head" for a minute and realized my kiddos offer me a respite from myself by giving me such meaning in teaching them. Sometimes you need a break from your world to realize they are not The hinderance to the "real work" God has for me, they are the "real work". Or another way of saying it, the good, bad, and ugly that we experience in this world together is the real work. It is not waiting for it to be all good that the real work starts.
They are the grace that is revealing so many things about me and calling so many things to the "mat" to be exposed and worked on.
This message seems to be on repeat. The message that says, you have to own it to give it. Or you have to believe it to impart it. Or you have to live it to share it.
I think I keep running from the calling because I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not up for it, or I won't prepare them as I should, and I'm scared there is not the evidence for the good I am teaching by the way they act especially towards one another. And its just hard work, every day.
I think I am pretty uptight. I pride myself on appearing, laid back and a "whatever happens" kind of mama. But I am not. I want to be more wild and free. I want so many things. Mostly, I want to embrace this calling.
Lately, their sin has really be stopping me. I can feel so withholding when I see their sin and it actually repels me.
Their unkindness is so hard for me. I don't understand it in the form it comes in. It feels so raw and cruel. Is there something God wants to teach me in this? What is the message for me?
One thing that struck me as I was listening to a podcast and thinking about they ways they sin against one another:
"God's commandments are not a hinderance to your joy and that is why we have to turn from everything keeping you from Him (our sin). Eve, in the garden, saw good in the thing that God said would kill her. Human nature is to have other affections. But we have to turn. The source of all comfort that sin provides will never be as satisfactory as Him. Condemnation is a path to understand me and that I can't live this way if I want to see God. If I don't see God rightly than I won't see my sin rightly." There is freedom in turning from our sin.
I want to appeal to their humanity and teach them kindness to one another as human decency but maybe that is not the right door. Maybe the door in is through the wooing of a God who loves them. But then the messenger but believe the message. And it's also not a message of because "God says so."
I can't wrap all this in a neat bow, for it is a process. One I am in the middle of right now. I am going to pray. I am going to say, "I trust you", and I am going to believe in change. For all of us. And to God be the glory when we taste victory!
