Helpless without Him

I feel helpless.

I feel what you feel when you have reached the end of your resources. 

A couple of days ago, I felt an emotional break through.  I felt God speaking to my heart gently reminding me that my life is not my own.  That I am to be about His good work.

I realized once again, "It is better to give than to receive." 

So often, I am in a posture of being ready to see the lack, because I feel discomfort. To see what I lack more than what I have.

I am easily distracted by everything around me.  And especially by those things that nudge at my insecurities (my old "friend"), remind me of my loneliness, or remind me that I am uncomfortable in this season.  I so easily give in, ready to lick those wounds and give them much attention, I forget to love and forget to realize it may not be all about me and my happiness.

The nudge was good.  I felt some resolve.  Bolstered.

There is work to be done, people to love.  Insecurity and comparison have no place in a Kingdom built for love, ready to do His biding and a loss of self to gain wholeness!

And Then...
 the last two days hit and I found myself in the middle of the day with a piece of chocolate and devotional in hand, retreating to my bed for quick  5 minutes, only to then go back in and face what felt like enemy lines.

Being a mom is relentlessly hard good.  Being a homeschooling mom is relentlessly hard good.
I question so much and then to have to battle attitudes, unkindness between 1 and 2,  weary over their conflicts, always being "on" to instruct and speak to what I see, to shape these little hearts becoming bigger, motivating them, and what feels like driving cattle for several hours a day.... has wiped me out. 

Where is my resolve?  Where is that bolstered feeling?  I should have known the enemy would press in. 

"The very thing we are allergic to-our helplessness-is what makes prayer work.  It works because we are helpless. We can't do life on our own."  (A Praying Life"  Paul Miller)

I really felt that in the last two days, I cannot parent on my own and I cannot teach on my own.  I came to the end and honestly it was a bit scary.  My "tool belt" wasn't working.  I realized I cannot control my kids. 

A tension to have a huge responsibility and yet little control.  There is such a weight in raising children.
"If I didn't pray deliberately and reflectively for members of my family by name every morning, they'd kill one another.  I was incapable of getting inside their hearts.  I was desperate.  But even more, I couldn't change my felt-confident heart.  My prayer journal reflects both my inability to change my kids and my inability to change my self-confidence. I did my best parenting by prayer.  I began to speak less to the kids and more to God.  It was actually quite relaxing.  If we think we can do life on our own, we will not take prayer seriously."  (Paul Miller)

You don't need self-discipline to pray continuously, you just

need to be poor in spirit."  (Paul Miller)

I have the requirements to pray continuously! I am poor in spirit.

I know I cannot do this life, this parenting, this teaching, these friendships,

and this wife on my own.  It is so simple, yet so very difficult to live

a life of prayer and of dependence.  Yes, there is a weight but the

weight could be so much lighter and the burden easier. 

I am helpless.  I do get lost in my sea of insecurities. 

I do need Him to put Me aside and give.

I need prayer.  I need Jesus.  I am so glad there is somewhere to turn.

Happy Full 20!

Celebration of cards before we headed out on our date.

I love how our kids get so excited for our gifts and cards.

I am so glad I captured this look on this boy's face when

he is in a hearty laughter...I hope I see this same expression

when he is 20!

It is a lifetime of sorts...20 years!

Andrew is just a part of me.  I realize how grateful I

am...when a marriage is bad it can be utterly consuming.  When it

is good, it can sometimes go unnoticed for what it truly is.

Today was a celebration and that is good.   

I pray for the next 20 that I will be a wife who...

Listens more than she talks

Engages more than she does

Cooks more than she cleans (hard one)

Loves more than she withdraws

Prays more than she frets

Gulps pride more than holding onto being "right"

Whose...Contentment shatters all distractions

Laughter rings through the house

And who is ready at a moments notice to love-the

one who has been entrusted to me by the God who enables

me to love.

Just like our life with God, we never know what is in store...

I feel that with Andrew and that is exciting...

from night to night and year to year!

Andrew is truly my one and only.

I think we are beginning to love more and more for the other.

Life keeps giving us new opportunities to show love for the other.

It's getting better and better.  There are things we still weather, this

is what we do, it is what we want to do.  We have been so blessed!

I love you Andrew.

Little House in the Big Woods...on an island

The internet is a wonderful tool when one wants to do a unit on

Little House in the Big Woods!  I gathered all my resources

and took an afternoon to plan a two week unit, that ended up

being three weeks.  I had promised Dev we would do this last

school year,  It actually was a good way to get back into the

school year and give me some time to order new curriculum for

the new year.

One activity was baking bread.  I have been wanting

to do this for awhile and I had a dear friend share her

recipe on her blog, so we did the same one.

This was the part that was really fun for them and really messy for

me.  While they hit the showers, I "hit" the floor and countertops!

We also made butter.  This turned out okay,

I should have poured out or rinsed more of

the butter milk.

They loved seeing how the bread rose with the yeast.

We also made pocket squares.  These are mentioned

in the book when Laura's pocket square, a little

pouch sewed into her dress, splits open due to all

the rocks she had collected.  We went to the fabric

store and Dev picked out a couple calico prints. 

Bobo picked out Bat man and could not

leave the store until we had the Batman

fabric because dada would love it so much.

My questions was something like,

"What would Dada like to do with the fabric."

Bobo just knew dada had to have it!

Bobo loves any new carrying pouch for supplies and tools.

Another activity was carving soap as Pa carved out of wood.

We also learned how trees cannot suck up

water, just like the longer the straw, the harder it is for us

 to suck up water.  Instead, trees use osmosis to force water up.

Making Johnny cakes

Johnny Cakes were a favorite in the Ingall's household.

Bobo loves to flip!

So Dev decided to turn out making Johnny Cakes into a

full on tea party.

Fun until we got a little too silly and listening ears went bye bye!

Again, talking about sap and osmosis.

Watching how food coloring travels up a celery stalk,

through tubes called xylem vessels.

And how sugar added into one potato made more water move into

 this potato than the one without sugar.

We learned about braided rugs and made one for Dev's dolls.

We also read all the chapters of the book aloud and answered many reflection

 questions.  Dev learned spelling and vocabulary, she worked on a math lesson as

we tried to figure out how many pounds we could take in a covered wagon journey,

 and both kiddos completed lap books (a visual representation of learning).  Dev wrote

 a final paper including information on Laura the author. 

All of this Deveraux and Bobo presented one evening.

This girl loves to present!

She was a little hit in her prairie attire.

Showing her lap book.  In working with Deveraux and her

responses to the book, I really pushed her to tell me Why. 

We also talked about translating thoughts onto paper, expression

through writing...something we will work on all year! 

Bobo was next.  Without me knowing, he began his

presentation pretending he was Pa telling "Laura" a story.

This guy doesn't shy away from a presentation either when he

is comfortable with his audience. 

Showing how Ma would churn butter.

His lap book.

Did not know "weapons" would be displayed.  There is a lot

of killing of animals in Little House.

In the chapter, Dance at Grandpa's, jigging

is introduced.  So we look up jigging

in UTube and Bobo took to it and jigs when

he can.  SO he wanted to do a jog!

We made the Christmas cookies Laura and Mary receive in the

second book of the series, Little House on the Prairie.  It was

really fun to do a unit study for homeschooling.  I was proud

of the work they both did and I hope they remember all the

creations they made and life in the Big Woods from our Island house.