Restore

I have been putting off...and waiting...to write this post.

Today is the day to write.

It is important as this is our story, all of it.

I had a miscarriage in mid July, July 16th to be exact.

We lost a baby that was to be ours.

 

I had so many emotions surrounding all of it.

The news of pregnancy was surprising and a bit surreal.

This has been a prayer of mine for years.  I have pictured

another one before Bobo turned one.

It has been my hearts cry and prayer.

 

"I am 43", I thought, but I serve a living God who goes

beyond all of that!

 

Of course, anything this precious also contains my old friend, fear.

My main fear was not just losing the baby, but would the baby be okay.

I also worried what would people say because of my age.

I remember praying, "assuage my fears, they are many".

BUT, I didn't want to "go to the places fear can take me" (borrowed)

 

I felt SO pregnant.  Unsettled tummy, tired (daily naps), shorts getting

 tight, feeling "blah". coffee did not sound good, homesickness

increasing a lot, and just emotionally off = pregnant

 

We received the official news on June 27th.  The 27th of each month

 is Our day, special because our first born and our wedding both

 happened on the 27th day.

I told the nurse on the phone, "Hallelujah!", when she told me.

On that same day, a man on the beach after watching

Andrew surf with Bobo, told him he was a good dad.

Confirmations abounded.

 

These days were pretty emotionally charged.  The kiddos were

trying to take in adding another to our four.  Andrew was also

grasping this new reality.  We agreed God was in control and He would

care for us...beyond that we knew we needed His mercy.

"Breath In, Breathe Out, you will find your rest."

 

I remember I would just savor being okay in the day to day.

My sisters were here, which felt good and hard.

I wanted to feel more present and have more energy for them,

but I was also thankful they were here with me in this space.

We were talking about how little the baby was...Deveraux went and got her babies to show growth!

 

I had a great answer to prayer on a Sunday...dear friends told me God was the giver

of Life.  They encouraged my joy.  Deveraux named our baby, Angel.

Dev and Bobo had so many questions.  We were preparing. 

9 weeks

 I found out on July 15th that the baby stopped growing at 7 weeks.

The doctors room was so quiet as he went on a quest to try and

find a heartbeat.  Silence.  Silence.

I just kept praying, "Your will be done."

 

Nothing could make it better.  I just wanted to leave the office so I could just feel.

How can a miracle be taken away?

Why does my desire stay alive.

Why do I  keep picturing three?

 

It was so painful seeing other pregnant tummies.

Seeing families of three.

Nursing moms.

This all seems so senseless, why did I go through this?

 

We had begun to ready our hearts, so we have to "unready."

What do I do with the answers to prayer, the seeming confirmations.

I had to drive back to my home without a baby in my belly.

Now I had the other end of surreal to deal with.

 

Is this to teach me a lesson?  To offer compassion and comfort to others?

I had to once again surrender this. 

God, replace this desire...fill it...or remove it.

I want this story to have meaning.

 

I can't resolve this.

I tried.

Andrew, my love, was so compassionate.  he reminded me this isn't the end

of the story.  Not sure what will come, "but Shannon, this isn't the end."

 

My stomach began to cramp, a reminder of life not meant to be.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted."

I don't feel that closeness to much right now.  But I read it.

 

It's raining.

I feel or would like to think its a picture of Gods grief.

More cramps.  Need to take my dear sister Heather and Cole to

the airport.  Got home, put kiddos down.

Blood began to flow.

 

So much blood.

More than I thought.  I wondered if it was too much.

When will this end?

I stayed up for 9 hours and went to bed around 6 am.

It felt like a night of giving birth to loss every time I went

to the bathroom.  It felt unnatural, a cringing when the clots would come out....

The best thing was watching a TV series to fill the space.

I was alone as Drew was sick and I sent him to bed.

What a continuing feel of uselessness of all of this.

At 6 am

I didn't really feel like talking about it much.

Nothing was resolved.

I had no "wrap up".

I felt I need to sort it out on my own or just be in it.

Even in my own heart, I felt uncomfortable in my own skin.

I just didn't know what to do with all the feelings.

My body had a job to do and there was no stopping it that night.

 

I told my sister I was hesitant to believe in God's good gift

(a baby) to me, in part, because I didn't want to be disappointed.

If something did happen.  Or how would I deal with a gift, a

miracle being taken away? 

So a gift that is revoked?  Almost easier to not

claim it as God's gift, because then it wouldn't be

Him who had disappointed me.

How does He look down on love as a Father.

I am cautious with Him because at times I don't understand

Him and because of my own faltering heart.

LOSS

I am so mad I couldn't completely trust.

REST in HIM and be made WHOLE.

But I was in the bathroom for 9 hours.

 

Bobo has been talking so much about babies.

I have not been able to tell my two, something like I keep

waiting for the "right" time.

Reminders of plans being made for a baby are painful.

 

"There is no space His Love can't reach.

I am holding onto You."

"To sing over you is my delight"

"I sing over you my song of peace, cast all your cares down at my feet.

Come and find your rest in me.

I'll breathe my life inside of you,

I'll bear you up on eagles wings

and hide you in the shadow of my strength.

I'll take you to my quiet waters.

I'll restore your soul.

Come rest in me and be made whole."

 

I want to feel His covering.  I need it.

This struggle is about a lost baby and feeling a bit lost with God.

"God is setting up everything for the comeback of your joy,

Wait on the hands of God, not the clock,

The yield only comes in the yield."  Ann Voskamp

 

Restore my faith.  Was the prayer that came to me to pray.

It felt important to pray that as much as wanting and losing a baby.