Helpless without Him

I feel helpless.

I feel what you feel when you have reached the end of your resources. 

A couple of days ago, I felt an emotional break through.  I felt God speaking to my heart gently reminding me that my life is not my own.  That I am to be about His good work.

I realized once again, "It is better to give than to receive." 

So often, I am in a posture of being ready to see the lack, because I feel discomfort. To see what I lack more than what I have.

I am easily distracted by everything around me.  And especially by those things that nudge at my insecurities (my old "friend"), remind me of my loneliness, or remind me that I am uncomfortable in this season.  I so easily give in, ready to lick those wounds and give them much attention, I forget to love and forget to realize it may not be all about me and my happiness.

The nudge was good.  I felt some resolve.  Bolstered.

There is work to be done, people to love.  Insecurity and comparison have no place in a Kingdom built for love, ready to do His biding and a loss of self to gain wholeness!

And Then...
 the last two days hit and I found myself in the middle of the day with a piece of chocolate and devotional in hand, retreating to my bed for quick  5 minutes, only to then go back in and face what felt like enemy lines.

Being a mom is relentlessly hard good.  Being a homeschooling mom is relentlessly hard good.
I question so much and then to have to battle attitudes, unkindness between 1 and 2,  weary over their conflicts, always being "on" to instruct and speak to what I see, to shape these little hearts becoming bigger, motivating them, and what feels like driving cattle for several hours a day.... has wiped me out. 

Where is my resolve?  Where is that bolstered feeling?  I should have known the enemy would press in. 

"The very thing we are allergic to-our helplessness-is what makes prayer work.  It works because we are helpless. We can't do life on our own."  (A Praying Life"  Paul Miller)

I really felt that in the last two days, I cannot parent on my own and I cannot teach on my own.  I came to the end and honestly it was a bit scary.  My "tool belt" wasn't working.  I realized I cannot control my kids. 

A tension to have a huge responsibility and yet little control.  There is such a weight in raising children.
"If I didn't pray deliberately and reflectively for members of my family by name every morning, they'd kill one another.  I was incapable of getting inside their hearts.  I was desperate.  But even more, I couldn't change my felt-confident heart.  My prayer journal reflects both my inability to change my kids and my inability to change my self-confidence. I did my best parenting by prayer.  I began to speak less to the kids and more to God.  It was actually quite relaxing.  If we think we can do life on our own, we will not take prayer seriously."  (Paul Miller)

You don't need self-discipline to pray continuously, you just

need to be poor in spirit."  (Paul Miller)

I have the requirements to pray continuously! I am poor in spirit.

I know I cannot do this life, this parenting, this teaching, these friendships,

and this wife on my own.  It is so simple, yet so very difficult to live

a life of prayer and of dependence.  Yes, there is a weight but the

weight could be so much lighter and the burden easier. 

I am helpless.  I do get lost in my sea of insecurities. 

I do need Him to put Me aside and give.

I need prayer.  I need Jesus.  I am so glad there is somewhere to turn.