Life's messages

I love in life when a similar message keeps getting repeated.

Upon returning home from CO and the holidays, a slump hit.  Some of it was the tediousness of putting things back in place, getting sick with colds, and starting school with some of the familiar resistance.  But it also felt like more. 

I felt the word defeat.  Drew and I prayed over the kids and began to feel we were claiming what is ours..and God's... back.

But there was more.  I felt blah.  Not sure how to push through.  Some good things came.  I was able to see that my word for the year: Connection was chosen in a moment with Drew.  I felt I was choosing connection over the pressure to fit in or not loose my standing in a group.  I felt many of our nights were at home and simple and just with family.  I had to fight, "there needs to be more" feelings.  I know life will ebb and flow with fullness but I felt God was saying, connect.  That is what you wanted, right?

Then Monday night came.  Time for Bible study.  Going into to it I prayed for my heart.  I have a tendency in ministry to sometimes get in a performance mode.  I begin to use my gifts and receive positive feedback, then it becomes about me filling me, and then I feel guilty, and it just starts a cycle.  I prayed that I would use my gifting of leading but that I would know my source and be grateful for the gift knowing where it comes from.

At the end of study that evening a woman that I had just met the week before came up to me and handed me a red gift bag.  Her card read, "Every gal needs a new big box of crayons."  Her gift was 162 brand new with pencil sharpener crayons.  I was so stopped and blessed in a myriad of ways.  First of all, it was symbolic in it never being too late (or too old).  For she was responding to the week before when I was talking about new beginnings in the new year.  I had said that we all love new things.  Like that first sip of coffee or clean sheets.  One woman said or a new box of crayons.  I mentioned that I never had the big box of crayons.  So this kind hearted woman gifted me with something I never had.  We need never underestimate the power of kindness or encouragement.  Because then she proceeded to encourage my heart.  She asked if I had the gift of teaching.  She said I was a very good teacher and said I was going to do great things.

Do great things.  Does she know I am 45?    Those words I have heard at different points in my life.  "You will do great things Shannon."  I almost have felt I failed in some sort of mission.  And there were those words again.  And I had specifically prayed the evening would not be about "me" and my leading.  I was also struck in that moment when she asked about my gifting as a teacher that I am a teacher.....at home.  Silly that is stuck me but I have not often felt "in the pocket" at home as a teacher.  But she spoke words of life to me, a stranger, a gift from God.  It seemed to jolt me out of some of that "blah" I had been feeling.

Practicing for a presentation.

Cambria mostly fitting into our day to day...need to remember to stop for her!

About a day later I was then listening to a podcast.  The guest was speaking to when our identity shifts to being a mom we need to know that we can bring out gifts home and use them with our children.  Confirmation.  We don't need to save our gifting for outside the home.  So I needed to ask why don't I feel more encouraged as a teacher at home.  I think one thing is that my gifts are not always acknowledged or appreciated.  This then becomes the determinate for maybe how effective I feel.  I think this taps into why feeling thwarted in home schooling has been so difficult.  It is an area that is important to me.  And if in life one of my areas that I have passion about is continually feeling missed, underutilized, or pressed down- that can produce struggle.  I still need to search through what this all means. 

But there is this growing sense in me that things are converging.  As I think about teaching women, I want to speak with authority about Jesus and life.  I feel I have the emotional side, the counselor side.  But for the longest time I have often felt "lazy" about studying the Bible.  Relying on other people to read it for me and give me the take away lesson.  But then I loose authority to speak.  If I am a teacher and I want to sit in that seat, I need to know the book I am teaching from- so when will I say yes I am going to do it. 

Many thoughts.  Things hopefully coming together to produce movement and meaning.  I love when God is working in and around us.  My prayer will be for continued insight and then movement.

We need to keep our eyes open!