That may sound wrong or blasphemous but it is true. In fact at a very young age I was terrified of death and one significant evening when I was 10, that fear began to swallow me up.
My dad read a verse that spoke peace over me and I was aware of a peace from Jesus but that did not translate to a longing for heaven.
I would feel guilty when other believers would speak of heaven and their desire for Home. I would feel guilty that I wanted to stay on earth. But it was known and I have worked hard on this ground towards relationships, good meaningful work, belief in change and growth and seeing people overcome. There is a lot good here and a lot invested.
And the unknown is heaven. Especially when much of what I heard was streets of gold and maybe not having the connections with the people I know and love on earth it just did not draw me.
However, when my thorn comes to pierce or I continue to be stopped by those things that cripple me there is something about groaning for new clothing not be to found naked and the idea of a true resting place that is appealing. I think we all have a place that resonates with us, I like to think of heaven resembling a bit of that place we felt most as home or what we were drawn to.
I have been homesick off and on for about 16 years. I long for a place that resonates more with my soul. I long for community and people that don't disappoint (myself included).
And I don't know why except for maybe the Spirit within me but tears come to my eyes when I read, "But we will know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is." (1 John 3:2), And verses like this, ""I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:13-14).
I rest in the goodness of Jesus more than I rest in my feelings on what heaven will be.
Just some thoughts...always thoughts!
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