I had a journey with something last Spring that felt important.
I had a role that I was volunteering in that I enjoyed but at times felt ambivalent about due to my perception of my ability in that role. Something shifted in my role as someone came in which felt like a replacement And all the familiar emotions emerged and surfaced of not feeling valued and in this space I was left to wonder about many things.
I did feel acknowledged as there was a good talk about all that had transpired but still a choice was made.
I once again came to that place that likes to leave me stripped down Like an open wound and yet, I wasn't ready to close it. Because I want to heal. It's like facing your worst fears (no invite, not fitting in). These waters run so deep I again wondered where they came from. I knew God wanted to deal with me on this.
Where did this hole begin that I felt desperate to prove that I will be chosen? I needed to realize I have such a need for God.
I felt like one big gaping wound.
Those who hope for his loving kindness to deliver their soul from death. He saves us with love. Psalm 33:18-19.
I was able to process what had occurred and it really did come down to a mix of someone new coming in that could take over and reassessing my role and being able to step down. To be okay stepping down and to accept that someone else was chosen. I had to work on not trying to prove myself in other areas which I gave in to a bit.
Then fast forward several weeks and once again I was confronted with the temptation to gain my worth from another. I was in a conversation and the person who was filling my former role was doing really well and I was being told. I was so tempted to "fish" for more information. To affirm myself in the role when I held it and gain affirmation. To find proof to elevate myself as I was feeling diminished with the information that this area was thriving without me. I did not give into the temptation and I felt victory. I had a chat with God that I need not need that validation from another. He could give it to me and I could rest in exactly who I was.
Oh yes a journey indeed, but that victory was sweet.
I was able to process what had occurred and it really did come down to a mix of someone new coming in that could take over and reassessing my role and being able to step down. To be okay stepping down and to accept that someone else was chosen. I had to work on not trying to prove myself in other areas which I gave in to a bit.
Then fast forward several weeks and once again I was confronted with the temptation to gain my worth from another. I was in a conversation and the person who was filling my former role was doing really well and I was being told. I was so tempted to "fish" for more information. To affirm myself in the role when I held it and gain affirmation. To find proof to elevate myself as I was feeling diminished with the information that this area was thriving without me. I did not give into the temptation and I felt victory. I had a chat with God that I need not need that validation from another. He could give it to me and I could rest in exactly who I was.
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