It is time.

I'm always trying to find proof that I am not too much.  And that I fit.  I am coming to believe that is why I get so insecure when I'm not invited to the party.

Mostly, I feel good in my own skin.  But it is when I hear I was not included, this is what turns my head and makes me question.  And begs me to answer the question, "What is wrong with me?"

Or confirms, that yes, there is something wrong with you and that is why you were not chosen. 

Again.

I also believe I am afraid deep within of a darkness I have felt that I don't want to return to.  In my past I had a few times of intense anxiety and a feeling of being swallowed up.  The first time was when I was 10.

I believe my babies settled some of the darkness within.  A miracle really.  I was so afraid of post partum depression and had those close to me live this struggle.  With kiddos, part of it was I knew what to do next.  I could answer the nurturing call.  I knew how to do that and it was fulfilling and filled me.  I was needed.  And it took some of that mind wandering space. 

I can be content (mostly) in my home world.  Maybe I half convince myself that is all I need.  But then I look up and wonder, who are my people?  And realize I am no longer living next to those in the past that felt like my people.  I know my sisters would choose me in a minute but they are several thousand miles across an ocean away.

When I do get outside my "house bubble", I am engaged with people, it is good.  Its just sometimes hard for me to "gear" up for it.  But I also know it's good for me and I walk away better for the time in friendship.  It is so good for me to get outside myself.

This afternoon as I was doing devotional,  I felt deep within that I am going to choose to believe in the promises of God more than my feelings.  It is time.

God make me go out and love people and be gracious when others disappoint. I am trying to learn to allow myself and others room.  And God affirm my heart that you have invited me into the Holy of Holies table and that is the best invitation. 

Thank you God for answering this morning prayer of giving me insight into these insecurities and this came to be while reading unrelated Romans.