I find myself in a season of more output than input. For me, that could lead me dangerously down a path of self pity and insecurity. I want to choose differently.
I realize my whole life is largely about my children. In some ways it has to be because of their ages and I homeschool. I have not felt tremendously successful in our homeschool culture and this then easily bleeds into my role as a mother. Those roles run neck and neck. This day celebrates mothers, so much of me.
What does success look like on a day like today where we are looking for some affirmation for this role of motherhood. And for me in my life's work right now as their teacher. It might look like a card with words like, "I can't imagine life without you." "You are the best ever" and "My life is what it is because of you."
It is 1:20 and I don't think I have heard "Happy Mothers Day" spoken unsolicited to me yet.
What do I do with that. I scroll through Instagram and immediately any image of a card or a child reaching out to their mom makes me first feel missed and second attacks my impact as a mother and feeds into one of my fears that my kiddos are destined for self centered lives.
The role is not for the "faint of heart", the one seeking validation from her children that she is doing a good job. Our role is to love and to love and to love. And even showing our own how to love your mother on Mothers Day.
There are so many moments we can choose what to tell ourselves or how to answer ourselves. I know in all my faults, weebles, and wobbles that I am a good mom to my kiddos. Oh how my failings arise in my head and I want to answer them with a head nod. Oh yes, you are right I don't do that or I do miss them in that way or I am too concerned about the task them looking them in the eye. Oh I am impatient and will they remember that exasperated look on my face.
The heart of a mother is not easy to weather.
I love my mom for all the ways she loved me. Imperfectly yes. I had aches and longings for ways I wished she would have loved me and at the same time I felt chosen and very cared for by her. I see many of the ways she missed me were the ways she missed herself.
So my job is to weather this heart of mine. To take care of it, to tend it, to seek validation from the Father who says I am enough and my stamp on your heart and calling that I have given you to love your children is enough. You are enough. You are enough. You are enough.
I give so much to this role. So very much. And I fail. But I get back up and firmly plant myself in this calling. Whether or not I receive a card from my children today, or they are not on their best behavior, or nothing looks different in this day from another. I chose to love because I am loved and here is where I have been planted.
Happy Mothers day to me.
(...behind the smiles, Bobo telling me not to put my arm around him,
worried about Instagram followers "seeing." Mom, upset with son. All smiling).
(I got my note)
Love this crazy bunch...me included!
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