Todays musings.

I wish I could magically catch up on my blog.  Not that I "have" to but I want to continue charting our days.  But that means my blog isn't current.  But alas, not many will read, so its okay.

Lately, I have been feeling not very settled in my spirit and I'm not sure why.  But here is what my head is thinking about.

I continually want so much.  From myself, for myself, for my kids, for Andrew.  I still often feel stopped when I listen to others chasing and catching their dreams and we can't name ours right now.  And it kinda feels like we want to.

Life is good mostly.  This side of heaven stuff gets us.  I get tired of my kids not growing from certain spots and believing it's okay to watch "Austin & Alie" when school work and cleaning up should really be in order.  And I wish I would see more maturity in choices. I wish dad wouldn't choose to be in a relationship mostly because he doesn't want to be alone.  I wish our parents could have shown more of the "paving the way by example" for us. I wish (more lately) my to-do lists didn't feel more important than going out and playing with my kids.  I am so duty-bound.  Some of it because I like listening to a podcast while my laundry room becomes clean and I feel good.

I want to chase photography.  I want to chase things that make me feel alive.  I want to play the guitar well and sing.  Sometimes I want to stare out the window dreamily and not break up conflict between my kids.  I want to be open to my husband and give him more.  I want to not care about what is in my head that I cannot even sort through but all those things I feel I need, should, would be the right thing to do.

To make homeschooling come alive I need time.  To play guitar I need time.  To have a home that feels beautiful and good takes time.  To learn about community I need time to listen to the sermon.  To battle anxiety in myself and others, I need to read those books. But I need to be present with my kids. How does one choose?

Lately, I have not been the fun mom.  I feel stressed and like I am just moving pieces and hope they respond.  But if I don't...who will.

It's just lists in my head a lot.  It's what I need to improve.  It's what I need to find.  And I can't seem to get to the bottom.

Good abounds.  I love my family.  I need to state everyday victories and love.  I realize I tend to live on the other side a bit more.

So....I love our home (dirty carpets and all...see).  I love the ocean, sunsets, a good cup of coffee, working on a creative project while my kids play close by, I like tending the yard, I like the community of women in the campfire Bible study, I love my sisters, my husband feels deeply and speak with honesty to those he loves, I love being outside, I like that I am not high maintenance when it comes to food, I like when I find a song that moves me and I play it again and again, I love that Colorado is my second home, I love when Jesus surprises us and answers prayer and we realize it, I love that I am challenged in my daily job, I love that every day is different, I love that I have some women who want to spend time with me, I love when I write a really good IG post with a great picture that captures our season, I love seasons, I love a really good conversation, I love second chances, I love that I'm not judged based on how I act, I love possibility...

It came to me the other day while I was power shaping a plumago that I want to Cultivate Beauty.  I feel my life reflects that in many ways, but it felt clear that is my purpose. It felt so good to receive that word.

Okay, enough for now.  But it also feels good to write it out.