Boats and Tents

We were approved for solar panels, so up

on the roof they went.  We are hoping for

a cheaper electricity bill!

Summer reading!  I think for Dev there is nothing quite like

coming home from the library with all her books!

I love her love of reading!

Sunset from our lanai

That is Carmel, our cat, on the neighbors roof!

We looked over and there he was!

Deveraux found this creation on Pintrest,

almonds making starfish shapes.

Tomatoes from our garden, red and yummy!

Braids are the hairstyle of choice these days....

"Video games are fun, aren't they mom"  Bobo said one day.

Media!  That ongoing battle of minimizing media in our lives...

but yes, it is fun Bobo.

"Look how close I am to being a grown-up"

Andrew found out through work that he receives

special deals through work each month for

different activities.  He booked a boat

trip.  And we were upgraded to a dinner cruise!

At the harbor, watching the boats and people....

Lahaina Harbor

Sunset.  It is wonderful to be on the water as we spend many

days looking out to the water, it is rare to look back on land.

We love excursions as a family.  After the boat ride we walked

along the harbor looking at all the boats until dark.  A good night.

Our second camping trip as a family.

Our long over due promised trip to Bobo for his

adventure weekend.  The first time we were going to

have his camping trip, our lovely friends surprised us with a

visit.  The next attempt, our lovely family a decided a day

trip to Hana would be better than an overnight stay.

So with a newly bought Costco Tent, we were ready!

Andrew found us a lovely spot between trees with a view of the

ocean (we camped on the beach).

Ready for your adventure, young Bobo??

(His life is an adventure)

Very inviting!  The kiddos loved the tent!

Our view.  The road is behind us, but if you can block that out,

it is close enough to home but feels like you are on a get away.

After camp was set up, time to hit the water!

Drew and I have a funny thing about fires.  Sometimes they work for

us, but it is always an ordeal.  We are not fire experts, but I love

what comes with fires...smores and the look of a camp fire, so

we have to have them!

I realized Andrew and I could remind each other to be faithful on

the journey together.  There had been so much raw pain through loss

and I still couldn't resolve it, but what I could do is remain faithful.

That He may call me faithful!

That is not said cheaply or glibly.

One of the best reasons to camp...Smores!

And to be more available without distractions of home.

We just chilled a lot in this spot for 24 hours....

.....and it was so what I needed!

We brought all the boards, I think it was a Bobo

dream, just choose a board and go!

It really is about this.

We did one "mock" ocean rescue, since this was Bobo's adventure

weekend.  Deveraux was in trouble and we came to rescue.

From my journal,

"Camping is pretty great.  It is so good to be here with my family.

Just us.

Waves are peaceful.  It is good to engage with where we are,

important when feeling homesick, to engage in people and the ocean,

what is offered where we are....even when it feels hard initially."

We camped on a Sunday to a Monday so it was pretty empty.

We took our sunset walk and came back to our tent house.

Again from my journal,

"Church was hard yesterday, I wanted to leave several times.  Not because

of anything anyone was doing, just my insides.  It just feels good

to be with God on my own right now, in this season.

I somehow don't feel strong enough somehow, too much performance and

having to "gear" up to chat with people.  I don't feel that energy right now.

My sails have lost wind

Last night was the first time I have prayed about having a baby since the miscarriage

 for the baby.  I still don't have resolve and I have not been able to draw

any conclusions.  Andrew reminds me God is actively acting. 

Do we open that door again?  Fear lives there.  I love our little family,

blessed, and yet....I love the fullness of more.  Can I just not let go.

or is God keeping this desire alive for a reason.....

I wish I could hear Him."

"Treasures" found on the beach....

My morning read from "Streams in the Desert" was based on the story when

Lazarus is still in the grave and Jesus thanks God for being heard.

 "The song of victory is sung before the battle has been fought. 

Who thinks of announcing a victory-

psalm when the crusaders are just starting out for the field?

Praise is really the most vital preparatory ministry to the working of miracles."

Faith...there is was again.

Restore my Faith.

Bobo is all about the fire...surprised?

We sang some worship songs with Bobo on the ukulele.

peaceful wake up on the beach...

The two littles took a little kayak adventure

We were going to take a family kayak adventure, but

Bobo did not want to leave the campsite.  So we just hung out.

At first I was disappointed because we had hopes to

explore a new area.  But it made for a peaceful couple of

hours.....this is what my little family did..

Reading in the tent

Building, creating, exploring, pretending

an ocean nap

We finally broke into a battle fighter meal that Bobo's Sunday School

teacher, Mr. Jonathan gave us a couple years ago.

Dev went and found this barrel an we had to

build one last fire.  Dev is a good treasure hunter

I am realizing.

Naked, beach, orange....does it get much better???

They got sillier and sillier as we took down our campsite.

They also lingered as we were getting the last things

packed.  I think they were a bit sad to leave.

Sweet cheeks!

 

I so needed this little 24 hour trip, so good for my soul. 

Every family should camp!

I can't seem to get enough of this face!

I always want to catch a moment without my subjects

catching me.  I woke to find Bobo on the couch just

staring out the sliding doors at the ocean.  He looked, I think he heard

 my click!

It was time for our third annual summer tradition of Rice Krispy

creations.  I found this idea a few years ago and it is the

summer version of the winter Gingerbread house,  We love it.

Smashing is a part of the creation!

Kimmy came to dinner and to stay and judge the creations.

We had two winners!

A favorite activity is looking at the albums I have made.

I do love that the effort put into these albums is enjoyed.

One day, a huge stack was brought upstairs and we have

slowly been working through the memories.  I realize

all the life we had before kiddos (you forget) and see

more of your life and all the parts of you.

full

 We are full. 

 

"I don't want to wait anymore.  I choose to believe that there

is nothing more sacred or profound than this day.  I choose to

believe that there may be a thousand big moments embedded

in this day, waiting to be discovered like tiny shards of gold."

"...I am too busy waiting to become whatever it is I think I am

about to become.  The big moments are in every hour, every conversation.

every meal, every meeting."

"Your life right now, today, is exploding with energy

and power and detail and dimension, better than the best

movie you have seen.  You and your family and your

friends and your house and your dinner table and

your house and your garage all have the makings of a life

of epic proportions, a story for the ages.

Because they all are.  Every life is."

"The God of the universe dwells within you, the true

culmination of super and natural."

Full

 

Older pictures just waiting for some words.

I discovered them today in Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist.

A borrowed book I am already loving.  Shauna has the capacity

to say what you feel and beckon you to more.  She talks about how she

was waiting for life to begin until she realized it was all around her.

I am going to go read more......

Restore

I have been putting off...and waiting...to write this post.

Today is the day to write.

It is important as this is our story, all of it.

I had a miscarriage in mid July, July 16th to be exact.

We lost a baby that was to be ours.

 

I had so many emotions surrounding all of it.

The news of pregnancy was surprising and a bit surreal.

This has been a prayer of mine for years.  I have pictured

another one before Bobo turned one.

It has been my hearts cry and prayer.

 

"I am 43", I thought, but I serve a living God who goes

beyond all of that!

 

Of course, anything this precious also contains my old friend, fear.

My main fear was not just losing the baby, but would the baby be okay.

I also worried what would people say because of my age.

I remember praying, "assuage my fears, they are many".

BUT, I didn't want to "go to the places fear can take me" (borrowed)

 

I felt SO pregnant.  Unsettled tummy, tired (daily naps), shorts getting

 tight, feeling "blah". coffee did not sound good, homesickness

increasing a lot, and just emotionally off = pregnant

 

We received the official news on June 27th.  The 27th of each month

 is Our day, special because our first born and our wedding both

 happened on the 27th day.

I told the nurse on the phone, "Hallelujah!", when she told me.

On that same day, a man on the beach after watching

Andrew surf with Bobo, told him he was a good dad.

Confirmations abounded.

 

These days were pretty emotionally charged.  The kiddos were

trying to take in adding another to our four.  Andrew was also

grasping this new reality.  We agreed God was in control and He would

care for us...beyond that we knew we needed His mercy.

"Breath In, Breathe Out, you will find your rest."

 

I remember I would just savor being okay in the day to day.

My sisters were here, which felt good and hard.

I wanted to feel more present and have more energy for them,

but I was also thankful they were here with me in this space.

We were talking about how little the baby was...Deveraux went and got her babies to show growth!

 

I had a great answer to prayer on a Sunday...dear friends told me God was the giver

of Life.  They encouraged my joy.  Deveraux named our baby, Angel.

Dev and Bobo had so many questions.  We were preparing. 

9 weeks

 I found out on July 15th that the baby stopped growing at 7 weeks.

The doctors room was so quiet as he went on a quest to try and

find a heartbeat.  Silence.  Silence.

I just kept praying, "Your will be done."

 

Nothing could make it better.  I just wanted to leave the office so I could just feel.

How can a miracle be taken away?

Why does my desire stay alive.

Why do I  keep picturing three?

 

It was so painful seeing other pregnant tummies.

Seeing families of three.

Nursing moms.

This all seems so senseless, why did I go through this?

 

We had begun to ready our hearts, so we have to "unready."

What do I do with the answers to prayer, the seeming confirmations.

I had to drive back to my home without a baby in my belly.

Now I had the other end of surreal to deal with.

 

Is this to teach me a lesson?  To offer compassion and comfort to others?

I had to once again surrender this. 

God, replace this desire...fill it...or remove it.

I want this story to have meaning.

 

I can't resolve this.

I tried.

Andrew, my love, was so compassionate.  he reminded me this isn't the end

of the story.  Not sure what will come, "but Shannon, this isn't the end."

 

My stomach began to cramp, a reminder of life not meant to be.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted."

I don't feel that closeness to much right now.  But I read it.

 

It's raining.

I feel or would like to think its a picture of Gods grief.

More cramps.  Need to take my dear sister Heather and Cole to

the airport.  Got home, put kiddos down.

Blood began to flow.

 

So much blood.

More than I thought.  I wondered if it was too much.

When will this end?

I stayed up for 9 hours and went to bed around 6 am.

It felt like a night of giving birth to loss every time I went

to the bathroom.  It felt unnatural, a cringing when the clots would come out....

The best thing was watching a TV series to fill the space.

I was alone as Drew was sick and I sent him to bed.

What a continuing feel of uselessness of all of this.

At 6 am

I didn't really feel like talking about it much.

Nothing was resolved.

I had no "wrap up".

I felt I need to sort it out on my own or just be in it.

Even in my own heart, I felt uncomfortable in my own skin.

I just didn't know what to do with all the feelings.

My body had a job to do and there was no stopping it that night.

 

I told my sister I was hesitant to believe in God's good gift

(a baby) to me, in part, because I didn't want to be disappointed.

If something did happen.  Or how would I deal with a gift, a

miracle being taken away? 

So a gift that is revoked?  Almost easier to not

claim it as God's gift, because then it wouldn't be

Him who had disappointed me.

How does He look down on love as a Father.

I am cautious with Him because at times I don't understand

Him and because of my own faltering heart.

LOSS

I am so mad I couldn't completely trust.

REST in HIM and be made WHOLE.

But I was in the bathroom for 9 hours.

 

Bobo has been talking so much about babies.

I have not been able to tell my two, something like I keep

waiting for the "right" time.

Reminders of plans being made for a baby are painful.

 

"There is no space His Love can't reach.

I am holding onto You."

"To sing over you is my delight"

"I sing over you my song of peace, cast all your cares down at my feet.

Come and find your rest in me.

I'll breathe my life inside of you,

I'll bear you up on eagles wings

and hide you in the shadow of my strength.

I'll take you to my quiet waters.

I'll restore your soul.

Come rest in me and be made whole."

 

I want to feel His covering.  I need it.

This struggle is about a lost baby and feeling a bit lost with God.

"God is setting up everything for the comeback of your joy,

Wait on the hands of God, not the clock,

The yield only comes in the yield."  Ann Voskamp

 

Restore my faith.  Was the prayer that came to me to pray.

It felt important to pray that as much as wanting and losing a baby.