Blessed Days...In His Hands

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Loved and Blessed

Haleaakala, Maui

Loved and Blessed!

"There is no space His love can't reach."

Life is certainly unpredictable. I was in such a state after

my miscarriage and wrote the words (above) to this song on
July 19th. Wondering why new life had been given to grow
in my womb for such a short time and be taken away.

Then....less then 6 months later...

December 6th was the first time I wrote, "I think I may be pregnant."

And on December 12th, pregnancy test was positive.

December 31st, 2014. A confirmation of new life

as we saw a lovely little heart beat.

This is also the day we shared with Dev and Bobo.

I have a baby with a heart beat growing inside of me!

It felt close, sweet, alive, real, and warm.

I measured at 12 weeks 4 days, with a due date of July 11th.

I had asked Dev a couple weeks earlier what she would

think if I were pregnant. She said, "excited and interesting".

A much different Deveraux response than the summer announcement,

which included many tears because of such shock.

The first trimester as a bit rough emotionally and

tummy unsettled.

I was so homesick and I could only keep one thing in my

head at a time, energy in the morning, walked past

a pile of dishes in the sink, and just felt my limits.

Holding the pregnancy at bay somewhat, wondering if

I would have another miscarriage. Then I was dealing

with so many fears. My age presents the reality

statistically of so many things being wrong. Just felt

the strong need to be covered in prayer.

In mid November I was feeling like I was not moored,

a boat drifting. I had a dream my sister was pregnant.

I sat in church grieving the loss of my life without

another baby as I watched many babies around me.

I also had a conversation with my dad about how I guess

I needed to move on and let go of the desire for a third,

it would not be so in this lifetime. I also began to have growing fears

of my age and if I were to get pregnant the possibilities of what

could happen Several weeks later, I was coming to the realization I was

indeed pregnant. This pregnancy felt different in that it was the first time in

almost 2 years that I wasn't thinking about being pregnant.

Week 14, went to the bike park, I walked (no bikes for me).

It feels pretty surreal In some ways I can't believe I am here again-

Then I can because I have been here. This has just been

a desire for almost 5 years. I just want to believe God is the

giver of good gifts.

Felt so good to celebrate in Colorado with sisters

who are so excited for me.

Heather bought me these silly fun stickers

to put on my belly to mark my week and

compares the size of the baby to fruit.

I absolutely had to do this...They are such good sports.

We had many laughs in the dressing room...by the way,

who came up with the concept of "skinny jeans" in

maternity clothes...part of the laughter. I will always be

the little sister.

Hard to explain, but I longed to once again enter

the Gap Maternity section...pregnant.

17 weeks and loving the Colorado air!

I felt I received such a cup of cool water in Colorado...felt I could breathe.

Beautiful Red Rocks.

I took wonderful walks in Colorado. I feel such a claim to my

mountains there, they bring me such comfort. As I looked

at those mountains, I thought, if God made these mountains,

surely he can handle me and our baby. I have begun accepting.

There has just been a fear of being "duped"--excited and then loss

or a different third child than I had dreamed of....

Back home and we are on week 19 for Valentine's Day.

Mom is so happy I am pregnant and gets worried

if she thinks I am doing too much,

Dev and I were in this same spot on Ka'anapali beach 6 years

ago on Valentines Day with Bobo in my belly.

(My hair looks a bit crazy...)

Its really happening!

When I focus on God, I am so much better off....

"Choose to live as one filling with His grace...the only choice

to open the hands to freely receive whatever God gives. Mysteries

can nourish." Ann Voskamp speaks so rightly.

Drew loves me.

Bobo and Dev came into the doctor's office to hear the heartbeat,

Bobo had my phone, so he snapped a pic. If course, had to include it.

We have a baby the size of a banana!!

Life has been full...Mom living with us, homeschooling,

pregnancy, a marriage, dad living in Maui (temporarily now

with us), and tending to kiddos.

A round belly, I love it and I

want to celebrate. I want to embrace it all.

Dad told me in church the other day that I was

glowing (so nice to hear). He also said, Sometimes

God answers prayer. Yes. Yes.

Reading some.Waiting for baby books...

Our kiddos are really into talking and preparing for baby,

I love this.

We named the baby, Honey Bear.

Mom bought me a pregnancy journal book.

"Shooting it up" at "Annie Get Your Gun!"

Dad was Chief Sitting Bull at the Iao Theatre.

Starting to feel pregnant in the last couple of weeks.

Already feel a bit swollen and realize I still have

over 3 months to go.

God is good.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Content

My new word for 2015. I might try capturing and realizing images

that speak to contentment, as this is often an elusive word for me.

I will forever love this image.

'Into fall we go"...the l last post I wrote. Now we are into winter, past Christmas and ready to say, "Hello New Year!"

I am always provoked when I read a good book, have a good conversation, or allow my thoughts to have time to stir. I feel ready to move to action. One of those actions for me is to write. It helps me sort things out and it connects me. I need connection.

So I will write for how I feel today. Even though I have put off writing on this blog for while due to our computer crashing and thus waiting for pictures so I can keep an orderly time line.

Life has been filled with much loss in 2014. Life has also felt dormant and unfortunately both dry and restless. Yet, Life has also invited us to partake in the lives of those who stepped across our Maui doorstep.

It started with leaving CA. I grieve that move today a year later. I wish I didn't because it is no fun to want to be somewhere else. Sometimes I will just for a bit imagine where we lived. I will take myself back to the scenes that I knew then I would grieve. I knew I would and I do. For whatever reasons it was home to me. I felt a rest there. I felt a beauty that touched my soul I have a little belief that for us all, we feel a sense of home in some geographic location this side of heaven. And I think heaven will represent all those places for all of us, as unique and different as they are...Andrew/Maui and Shannon/Carmel...Colorado.

Loss of parents loss. Mom came to stay with us for 6 months. Bearing not only the loss of her memory, we also bear the loss of what will never be. I am the ultimate optimist regarding my mom. A conversation does not go by with my mom where I am not prompting some kind of growth. I see so much in my mom and I want so much for her. Now, some of this will not be due to stinkin' Alzheimer's'. And bearing the pain of seeing my childhood afresh with losses as I went back to some of those places where I wished for more. Watching my dad go through a divorce this year felt so weighty. At times, child feeling like parent. Seeing his pain with no guard and no censor was hard.

My faith has felt so tested and I don't know why. There are times my compass feels lost from this God I have known my whole life. When I need a strong light, it feels dim and the both the shore and the water feel uncertain. I felt shaken by the miscarriage. I did not understand desire fulfilled after so much longing over so much time to only be taken away once it was tasted. Uncertain.

Friendship. That word. At times feels so elusive and such a struggle and at other times has felt like a blessing dropped in my lap. Shauna Niequist wrtoe, "True friendship is a scared, important thing and it happens when we drop down into that deeper level of who we are...We have to give up our need to be perceived as perfect. We have to give up our ability to control what other people think of us, we have to overcome the fear that when they see the depths of who we are, they'll leave. Friendship is about risk. ...The closer you get to someone, the more that friendship gives you and the more force and power it has to make your life bogged and richer." I speak so much of longing for rich friendship. It helped the other day to realize if I could gather all "my" people in a room (especially when I feel lonely) I would have a band around me. I need to remember that through effort, time, energy, and intention I have friendships and people who would say, "Yes", to me. Unfortunately, they are spread across a few states. I am in a way starting over by moving again and loss is involved in starting over. But I have also realized I am not always a great friend. Often, I am preoccupied by my own needs and miss another's and I have so much to learn about loving. It might just be a void God always wants to work through as it has more to do with my heart than anything else.

I'm just a struggler. And I don't like it. I am always on a quest to not struggle. I have many seasons of good. I get lost in the moment, in beauty, in love, and I am all about seeing a blessing in front of me. But I have my mind and heart that battle. Shauna says those things we battle we hope to leave at the "state line", but we don't. I was reminded recently that there are things I need to do to find my way through the battle. To make sure the loss doesn't suffocate the blessing. I need to spend time Alone with God. I need to read good thought provoking books, to reach out to others, call a sister or a friend, I need to write, I need to connect with my husband, read old journals and take stock, play my guitar and sing, write out my gratitude's, and take more time to stop (instead of cleaning, watching sometimes mindless TV, even though sometimes its really great), and be involved with others.

Yes, as Shauna writes, "That a whole lot of life is spent picking up the pieces of any number of fantasies we've really wanted to believe." It is true. Life is not the clear path we hope for, but it is our path and we choose to make meaning, to see God, and to love others.

This year has been about waiting. Germinating. We all have different life seasons. This one wasn't mountain top. I want to say, Stuck. But germinating feels more hopeful, like things were happening under the surface. It exposed much of my self doubt through things like home schooling. I didn't feel released to host a women's Bible study, a place I feel competent and offers friendship and often answers the voice of insecurity. I felt limited by my body and mind through pregnancy. I so wanted to feel passionate about something and be the speaker up front who I believe feels "In the pocket" of their life. And I had to deal with reality of my parents grief and limitations.

Oh I need grace so much in my life. I think I know it. But I still live with such fear of being out of someone's graces, especially His. The gift I can give my kids is living out the reality of being in His grace. The reality of living in His love. I want to pierce the darkness.

I love what Shauna writes, "I will choose to believe what sometime is the happiest ending isn't the one you keep longing for, but something you absolutely cannot see from where you are.".

I like having a word each New Year. I like resolutions It started two years ago with Dwell Last year, Follow. Funny, I just realized follow has to do with waiting. Mmmmm. I didn't really feel like I was following as my compass seemed to have a falty pin. But I kept pressing in even when longings weren't fulfilled.

I am thankful on this New Years Eve eve for my children playing for the last two hours and I got to do this. I am thankful for cooler weather. For a husband who loves me. For potential everyday. For realizing 5 of my closest friends came all the way to Maui to see me last year. For a God who never gives up when I feel I give up almost daily in some form or fashion. For conversations with my mom after receiving a devastating diagnosis that have been good and filled with laughter. For watching my dad be silly and allow my kids to enter in. Life continues to happen all around in many different ways.

I welcome you 2015. I hope to be out of the waiting. Maybe I will and maybe I won't But I will choose to be Content. My new word. Oh it's going to be a hard one for one such as me. But it came to me and I will try to embrace it.