A rock and a hard place

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him.

He alone is my rock and salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.

Psalm 62:5-6

 

  

So many thoughts running through this brain of mine so I need to write.  It many be a jumbled mess but it feels important to get out. 

 

I am feeling right in the middle of a rock and a hard place.

 

I will start with the hard place.  I told my two older children today at our school table that 

I am weary and not sure I want to continue home schooling.  I said it.  Was it wrong? Revealing to much?  Maybe.  But I felt I had to say it.  We were working on a group project and there were negative comments made and impatience expressed.  I had just looked at an IG post about these wonderful morning circle times this one homeschooling mama has....and ours was a "hot mess" today.  Cambria trying to push out Bobo to get in my lap while  I am trying to read our Bible story.  Trying to rush through lessons so I could explain to Bobo what he needed to do before I put her down for her nap.  It was not the pretty homeschool "everyone with their hot tea listening to a story" moment.

Oh I want to thrive in this place.  Why aren't we, I keep asking.

Is it me?  I am just not cut out for this?  I want things a certain way- order,

productivity, and days that work.  I tend to compare myself to others in this space

of homeschooling.  Is God about getting my attention and saying,

"Hey will you trust me in this hard place?"  You don't need to change much

except for your level of trust. 

 

Is it them?  They just need more doses of kindness.  They need to be different.

 

Is it our schedule? I haven't found the secret to homeschooling?

 

There are good days, it just seems we have not found that consistently thriving place.

 

I feel if I can find the answer I will do something to fix it.  But then I think But God might be up to something in me.  Just today I was able to share with Dev how just like she needs help loving her brother, I need help with homeschooling.  I can't do in without Him.

 

I just don't want to be doing something I shouldn't be doing or that is hurting my relationship with them or us as a family.  It sounds funny because homeschooling is all about family.  I just don't feel like I or we are thriving and I don't know why.  And there are moments I know I am not enjoying my kids as much as I want to in those teaching moments when I feel my back is against the wall.

 

I want to unlock something and I don't know what or where the lock is or where the key can be found.  And then what is crazy at then end of this hard day where we were in each other's presence

from 8:00-4:00, they have free time and they are playing Legos.  Together.  Go figure.

 

This is the hardest job.  I am asked to engage when I don't always want to.  I am asked to be the "bigger person" when I don't always want to.  I am asked to not be too sensitive but be sensitive enough to be willing to be vulnerable and real.  I am asked to see and love on each child in a consistent, meaningful, patient, with vision- way.

 

So I read this verse this afternoon for the Bible study I should be prepping more for right now.  And it stops me.  He alone is our rock...."Between a rock and a hard place."

That is just where I am. And this is who He is.  A rock by my hard place.

 

Then I read an IG post about a woman who spoke these words,"There is an ingredient in your TRY that activates victory."  Jen Hatmaker commented with these words "We tend to lean at the tragedy beginning of the story or at the resolution with a tidy bow.  But the real story is The Try.  The messy middle.  The Try is when you still get out of bed in the morning..  The Try is when you do the next right thing in the middle of pain and confusion and sorrow.  Something is moving you toward the finish line. Something is happening.  Something is literally winning over the fear.  It isn't nothing,  It is the real story.  Keep trying."

 

Of course it brought tears to my eyes because I am in the trying and I don't want to be.  I want to Know, I want change, and I want something to show for all of this getting up in the morning that feels more like victory.  But I am "between a rock and a hard place."

I just need to cling to the rock and wait trusting He will guide me.

(Good school day the following day on Tuesday, October 25th...

then we had three in a row!  And we are still

going on November 17th...we turned a corner after I wrote this post.

Thank you Jesus) 



Sisters

Tonight as it was almost time for bed.  Dev went into the room

to begin her nightly reading.  Cambria ran in after her and

 into her arms.  It was glorious.  Dev just laughed and laughed and

almost had tears.  It was one of those not to be forgotten sister moments.

There are so many more ahead.  We have only just begun.

It was one of those first, "I am choosing you to love" moments

from Cambria to her big sister.  A beautiful moment for this mama!

Surrender.  Trust.  Rest.

Ramblings

Hey sister.

There is such a peace inside when I have finished cleaning an

area and the sun comes in with it's soft evening light.

I pulled Andrew to this view and said, this makes me feel

such peace inside.  It just does!  I love a clean palette.

Prayers in the morning.  I get back from my run.  Meet Andrew

in the driveway and usually Bobo.  Sometimes Cambria.

Sometimes Dev.  We pray for the day.

She loves holding hands when we pray.

She knows something special is happening

when the prayer happens- I love this. 

Dev's beautiful room decorated for fall..all on her own!

I am used to putting something out and getting a certain

response, Bobo challenges that.

Realizing he may do better with structure.  A set

schedule with notebooks and workbooks rather than open

ended discussing which tends to be more creative

and spontaneous but maybe more difficult for his

attention span???   Maybe at times I expect too much?

 

One thing I love is how good he is at making connections

in our day.  He will go get something to show what we

are talking about.  Like we are discussing cotton as a crop

and he will go get a cotton ball.  I want to continue to celebrate

this and teach from this place of hands on learning. 

Everyone has their hard (as my sister Stef once told me). 

 It might look different in different seasons on different people. 

But none of us escapes the hard of life. 

 

I have been thinking about my postings on Instagram.

I want to celebrate the beauty in the goodness of our days

because I'm very much in touch and aware of the

hard.  So when I post on Instagram it is usually about the good. 

I know people say the danger about social media comes

when we see only the pretty pictures and make comparisons

and try to measure up. I do need to remember not everyone

is directly involved in our day to day knowing about the hard

and hopefully they would receive an honest representation from me.

Something to continue to think through- how I represent us

through social media.

I love these pics Dev took!

Dev and her friend decided on this day after making macramé'

to start a business, Island Yarn.  We will see how it takes

off but Dev was excited.

She loves wearing my clothes.

Dev's growing yarn beauties.

Showing her the Halloween costume for this

year, it's Tinkerbelle!

We are practicing for worship before church.

I thought they other day that I'll be so sad when I can't

talk to Gigi anymore.

Sunday school

This boy with that girl.

This candle I gave to her long ago as a little

girl.  We didn't burn it too much.  But lately

in our school room Dev lit it a lot.

It is time to say good-bye candle.  We just

had it in her room for so long, it was

significant for us both.

First ICE CREAM!  So it was not creamy ice cream,

more like a fruity sherbet.

Pineapple flavored yumminess.  Dole Whip!

I would say she likes it!

Then she was really silly and Dev was

laughing at the possible "sugar high."

So Dev convinced me to get a blog.  She loves making videos.

She has been doing this sort of thing since she was little-

explaining things and talking to an invisible audience.

So this blog thing is right up her alley.  She also loves

watching others blog/vlog.  It is a whole new world

for this generation.

This blog was a yogurt taste test.  They will love

watching these when they are older. I gave her the

idea to do a "Brother Dare" where she dares

her brother to do something.  They mixed all

the yogurts and he tried them, so did she.

They are very serious and very cute.

Someone else got in on the yogurt taste test.

Alright, that was a bit all over the place,

but that is our life!