some thoughts....

"She had long accepted the fact that happiness is like swallows in spring. It may come and nest under your eaves or it may not. You cannot command it. When you expect to be happy, you are not and when you don't expect to be happy, there is suddenly Easter in your soul, though it be midwinter." (Elizabeth Goudge..taken from "Home to Holly Springs by Jan Karon)

Many thoughts running around in this playground in my mind this evening.
The other day it struck me that recently I have been living my life as if waiting...my prayer was to live that day and really be present. I often look ahead and life seems to be about "the next thing." Maybe it is because our lives seem somewhat transient, but I want to live where we are today!

I also realized how little freedom I live in (with the exception of it being almost 11:30 pm here...) I see it when I speak to Deveraux with words that seem like I am trying to maintain a sense of control or when I am too focused on "the mess it will cause" or the order of things.....

I also seem to live in the place that I should be doing more as a mama, always! I want to leave a different legacy to my children. Not feeling so much pressure that it should be a certain way or am I doing enough. It comes every so often, that "sweet spot" and it cannot be captured, only enjoyed.

The Word says that if I lose my life, I will will find it. What an exact opposite of what the world screams at us from every street corner. I am so easily distracted by finding me. I am so distracted by wondering if we are in the right place right now, doing the right things, Our pastor talked about how we are not on a search for happiness but a search for God and while seeking God, I will find fulfillment.

Growth is so slow isn't it. But God makes sense to me, His ways bring me back. So much of Him I don't understand and the more I read and learn, the less I realize I know. I have been struck by realizing how little I know of God's love and how little is my love for Him.

I have a way to go, but it's okay. It is a journey after all and I look forward to just enjoying those Easter's in my Soul" when they come!