Me and Mine

I love them so much.

I continue to have this growing continuing ache and I am kind of tired of it.

I want more.

I know I must sound like that tired out song that plays over and over.

But it is a song, my song.

I want more.

I want to be more intentional with my children.

I want at the end of the day to hear, "well done"

I want to be a human being not a human doing

I want to know I am a good mama

I want to look back with not a lot of regret...

I want more!

I have always had the sense and reality that it is going fast, these days, these children who grow

But, I often don't live in that truth in the day to day.

What is insecurity, self-induced pressure, my old "demons" coming out, my bent towards "never enough" or anxieties and fears...

and

What is true conviction of the soul that I know I want to do more.

I think it is a bit of both...

I don't like feeling inspired and then it goes no where

I don't like promising myself I will go to bed earlier, and I don't

I don't like having so many plans and ideas and they reside in a "to do" bin

I just want change and that is my prayer and my intention.

I will pray to God that something moves in this song.

I was spurred on once again by Ann Voscamp in her Holy Experience blog:

"Each moment God gives is momentous.  If we embrace each day as gift, then isn't each event important?  And if each moment lived is important, could we not the live in ceremony, celebration wrapped around each bead of time?  We create a ceremony to celebrate what is significant.

"God does this-lives in ceremony, lives in celebration.  Every day, He acts in ceremony, repeated quotidian order of services; calling sun to arch across the sky, ocean waters lap against land's lip, again and again, the globe to dance in orbit through the heavens."

"God's daily ceremonies bring order to the created world.  And it's our daily ceremonies that bring order to our chaotic world."  That's the thing that needs doing: Create a habitual ceremony around an activity, and the focus is on ordering the environment - instead of the children.

The order of service created around bedtimes, school times, mealtimes- it allows ceremonies to direct behavior...instead of parents trying to correct behavior.

"If we choose to "exult in monotony", to embrace habitual ceremony, would we be inviting the same God who instituted the observances of feats, temple ceremonies, the service of communion, to be our strength too?  Perhaps the repetitiveness of ceremony does not stifle the Spirit- but invites the Spirit.

"It's cray--start some ceremonies in your life and you start living a celebrated life.  It is the ceremonies that change our everyday-christening every day is significant.

"God is strong enough to exult in monotony-and one needs God's strength to exercise consistency."

She goes on to talk about forming habits and it takes work...I encourage reading of this blog entry on her site!

This makes sense to me in my mama wanderings and hopes as I wrote up above...

I want to create ceremonies for the everyday

This is part of being intentional

I also like the idea of the ceremony bringing order for behavior not my raised voice

And there is a certain monotony to order and habit which Ann reminds us takes practice and staying with it isn't always easy especially as a mom when so many things pull for our distration.  We work in our home and our work is with us every day all day and that can be hard to sort out sometimes.

Last night, at dinner time a habit and celebration I want to continue working on is during meal time is reading from the children's Bibles.  We were doing this but I was divided.  I just wanted to clean the kitchen, so I could mop the floor, so I would be ready for Bible study in the morning, then I could put Anderson to sleep, and then I could plop!

I knew when I got up from the table, Andrew still finishing his meal, Bible reading still happening, that tiny voice said, "sit."  I did not heed to the voice.

So I will be aware and intentional but fight againist rigidity and lack of freedom!

I want to stay with this, I want change and I want to celebrate.

That is my hope!

So as a little update...had a great talk with my sister Stef last night.  I am in process as a mom.  I want to sort out what is self induced guilt and living without freedom and grace and what are things I can continue to strive towards...I am glad to be on this journey sorting it out, even though it can be hard.