Blessed Days...In His Hands: Not what I expected....

I wanted a third child.

I wanted to stay in Carmel.

I am in Maui caring for unexpected needs.

I think if God will just remove whatever "ails" me, then I can get back to the business of being with Him. But what if whatever is "ailing" me is bringing me to my knees proving once again that I cannot possibly do this life on my own strength!

Reading an exert from the great book I am currently in, A Praying Life, I was stopped. The author and his wife while pregnant with their third child had prayed for their child to be kept from harm. Their child has a diagnosis of autism. They struggled with the reality of this prayer with the reality of what resulted. Then one day several years later (like 20 years later), the author realized that God indeed kept them from all harm.:

"We had thought the harm was a daughter with disabilities, but this was nothing compared to the danger of two proud and willful parents. Because Kim (their daughter) was mute, Jill and I learned to listen. Her helplessness taught us to become helpless, too. Kim brought Jesus into our home. Jill and I could no longer do life on our own. We needed Jesus to get from one end of the day to the other. We'd asked for a loaf of bread, and instead of giving us a stone, our Father had spread a feast for us in the wilderness. When we don't receive what we pray for or desire, it doesn't mean that God isn't acting on our behalf. Rather, he's weaving his story. Paul tells us to "continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving" (Colossians 4:2). Thanksgiving helps us to a grace centered, seeing all life as a gift. It looks at how God's past blessings impact our lives. Watchfulness alters us to the unfolding drama in the present. It looks for God's present working as it unfolds into future grace."

So often I just pray for the thorn to be removed. I am weary Lord. Maybe justly so. But God is after my heart being submitted to Him. Not just relieving me from my weariness. I have felt like I cannot get to God, a loss of freedom in my walk with him and in my day to day, that same loss of freedom.. But maybe God wants to break through even in the midst of the thorn, before it is removed.

Is He a God who can do that? Life has been so about looking for change in the lives around me. That can be discouraging when you are only looking at our humanness. This isn't my "gig". It is His.

I know He is after me realizing that I cannot get "from one end of my day to the other" without Him. I so see grace upon grace that has entered this season, it just seems my weary comes in when I stop being watchful or when I turn away from the gift and only embrace the burden. When I only focus on what I think is a good measure for my work.. Or when I focus only on my needs, my wants, my disappointments, my losses.....

I want to be in God's economy...where yes, everything is a bit topsy turvey. But that is way more interesting and hopeful. It offers light where there is dark. A path where there is none....

What story is He weaving? I must be watchful to see.
What gift is there to receive? I must be thankful.