Blessed Days...In His Hands: May 2018

Ready, Set, GO!

Sometimes all you need...

is a moment to get your heart ready.

To set your course.

Ready for service!

(For me this means parenting and teaching in this season

Sometimes all it takes is that moment to get back on track.)

Fly

I want to give my kiddos permission to dance with abandon.

To follow their hearts and passions to beyond!

I want to know who they are instead

if always pushing them to be who I think

they should be...

I want to look them in the eye everyday and let

them know they matter!

I have to stop looking to my own flaws so I don't

always lead with how things could be better, but love

how things are. I do love my children earnestly but

sometimes that love can look like always wanting their

best which can look like, its never enough or

always improving. Or what is going to bring peace

in the moment and so I walk into the room asking for

some improvement or task to be done instead of

seeing them.

I love that quote...

What if I fall,

but my Darling, what if you fly"

(Written a few months ago)

It is one of those got to get it out evenings. I have 30 minutes so here I go....

I wish my inner mind didn't work so much. Sometimes I wish I felt simpler. But I feel I am in a good hard place right now that can only be faced going through the center of it.

Last week we had two breakthrough homeschool days. In the grand scheme of amazing days it wasn't that it was so off the chart, it just contained minimal conflict, persuading, and felt overall less anxious and pressured. The main element was Bobo getting his work independently completed and so I didn't have to be on him to get it done and then work with him as we corrected it. I have realized he probably works better when I am not breathing down his neck and keeping is pace. When he keeps his own pace, we both are out of the battle. However, he has to be willing to go down and begin and I can't figure out how to get that piece consistently. This week we are not there yet.

Friendship/community. Oh that word. I have so many feelings about it and I try hard not to, but I do. I thought today how sad I am not near my sisters. I feel such a belonging with them that feels so elusive here. Not perfect by any means but a belonging. I decided this weekend I am going to try and not pursue others for a bit. Not out of a game or spite but just to take a break from the disappointment that often greets me in this place. I want to take a break from that set up for me. I also want to focus on my family and feel sometimes my preoccupation with relationships and community can distract me from them. I don't know why but I am wanting to discover in this season why this is such a hard area for me and why I put so much into this place. It feels too weighty and I want to discover why. It's like I can't be trusted in this area until I have done some work here. Not sure if it makes sense, but it does in my heart.

I want someone to call but I don't. I want to be picked but sometimes I like my simple life. I wonder if I am missing something in my core that desires so much validation in that area. It can feel like everyone else is chosen but me. I can begin to feel too needy in moments. And I give too much power away in a pursuit that is turned down, but it feels like such a theme in my life. I was so excited about a potential new friend and it was strong for about a week and now there is nothing and I am again left to wonder, what is it about me or them???

I've always felt something was missing. I am afraid I still do. I want to do the work to get to the end of this in some small way.

I think part of it is I have so much in my heart and brain in a day. And I don't have any outlets. I know I am a verbal processor.

I am would like to be a bit more level, maybe not react too much. I often take things in my mind too far in their implications. I have always done this. I know this about myself.

I realize how little time I have left with my littles. I passed Cambria's closet and saw her little dresses and was so sad and at the same time grasping the realization that I need to enjoy this time, It will pass.

But in my day, sometimes there is a quality of getting through because it can be difficult. I wish it wasn't so. For instance, today I was solving conflicts between my older two for a good part of the day. I was trying to read to them while trying to distract a 2 year old so I could get some sentence read. And I was battling attitudes about school and getting children to be scholars and work hard.

I love that they all have something they offer in the state they won't offer again as they grow.

I want to fit into my story of homeschooling and not another's.

This song struck me tonight...from Every Mile Mattered...Nicle Nordeman

"I want the medal
Don't want to settle
I want the victory lap, You in the stands
Why is it hard to believe
You just want me
Just as I am

[Chorus]
I could stand, I could fall
You want all of me
I could run, I could crawl
You will always be
You're not impressed, with all of my best
Not disappointed, when I don't land on my feet
In everything, You are asking me
To lean"

Wilderness Living

This post was written a couple months ago in January Much of this season has felt like more planting and waiting than reaping a harvest...yet.

Wilderness living.

Homeschooling. I find I am still chasing the peace, searching to feel "in the pocket", and own what our unique school room is to look like.

Much of it feels within me. I have always struggled with how I stack up with others. What is the norm? Comparing someones outside with my inside? I never feel super accomplished in this space. It is hard to go to work day after day and feel that and feel the fruit of my labor is always out of my reach. So that leads me to believe that my setting the tone has much to do with our days. I also have variables I just cannot control like a toddler and a boy where school just doesn't come easy.

Geographically I just feel stuck. Maui continues to just not my place that resonates with my soul. Its hard to shake for such a sensory soul. It is beautiful, it often just does not contain what I want. And community still often mostly elusive.

Last night I was telling Andrew how I was doing. As I was going through my "list", I said, "And I don't have a mom." I haven't voiced those words before, I know my soul grieves that deeply.

Oh this weight on my body I also grow weary of... And now I have a hurt knee. Sickness has also invaded us. From colds, stomach flu, fevers, and muscle aches since we have returned from CO in January, I don't think we have had a couple days in a row that someone has not been sick.

And....sometimes we are just called to faithful. Most days I do not feel wildly successful. Most days I am not in the promised land flowing with milk and honey. The fruit does not appear on the tree. I can't even find that tree whose shade resonates with my soul. And it can feel like I am walking in circles as I still continue to try and start fresh each day only to be met with the same frustrations and hills that seem so familiar leave me feeling stuck.

So how will I live?

I will find the moments my soul feels alive. Typing on the keys listening to "Never Enough" from The Greatest Showman because it just stirs something within me and it reminds me of who I was and who I am in some way and makes me feel alive.

I will embrace the moment in the water or on the path adventuring with my family on this island. I will soak in the hug my littlest daughter gave me this morning and padded my back not knowing how much I needed it today.

I will keep praying on the lanai with my husband each night even though we don't have all the answers.

I will keep inviting community in and saying yes to relationships in my life and sit in those places with friends that breathe life and make us feel we are not so alone or the world is not just about us.

I wil just keep walking and keeping my eyes open because that is what we do. I will keep my eyes open (most of the time) so I can see all that He has for me. I am still hopeful in this wilderness.