Wilderness Living

This post was written a couple months ago in January  Much of this season has felt like more planting and waiting than reaping a harvest...yet.

Wilderness living.

Homeschooling.  I find I am still chasing the peace, searching to feel "in the pocket", and own what our unique school room is to look like.

Much of it feels within me.  I have always struggled with how I stack up with others.  What is the norm?  Comparing someones outside with my inside?  I never feel super accomplished in this space.  It is hard to go to work day after day and feel that and feel the fruit of my labor is always out of my reach.  So that leads me to believe that my setting the tone has much to do with our days.  I also have variables I just cannot control like a toddler and a boy where school just doesn't come easy.

Geographically I just feel stuck.  Maui continues to just not my place that resonates with my soul.  Its hard to shake for such a sensory soul.  It is beautiful, it often just does not contain what I want. And community still often mostly elusive.

Last night I was telling Andrew how I was doing.  As I was going through my "list", I said, "And I don't have a mom."  I haven't voiced those words before, I know my soul grieves that deeply.

Oh this weight on my body I also grow weary of... And now I have a hurt knee.  Sickness has also invaded us.  From colds, stomach flu, fevers, and muscle aches since we have returned from CO in January, I don't think we have had a couple days in a row that someone has not been sick.

And....sometimes we are just called to faithful.  Most days I do not feel wildly successful.  Most days I am not in the promised land flowing with milk and honey.  The fruit does not appear on the tree.  I can't even find that tree whose shade resonates with my soul. And it can feel like I am walking in circles as I still continue to try and start fresh each day only to be met with the same frustrations and hills that seem so familiar leave me feeling stuck.

So how will I live?

I will find the moments my soul feels alive.  Typing on the keys listening to "Never Enough" from The Greatest Showman because it just stirs something within me and it reminds me of who I was and who I am in some way and makes me feel alive.

I will embrace the moment in the water or on the path adventuring with my family on this island.  I will soak in the hug my littlest daughter gave me this morning and padded my back not knowing how much I needed it today.

I will keep praying on the lanai with my husband each night even though we don't have all the answers.

I will keep inviting community in and saying yes to relationships in my life and sit in those places with friends that breathe life and make us feel we are not so alone or the world is not just about us.

I wil just keep walking and keeping my eyes open because that is what we do.  I will keep my eyes open (most of the time) so I can see all that He has for me.  I am still hopeful in this wilderness.