But usually when I sit to write it is because I feel the need to attend to something in my current day and those past days will have to wait to be recorded.
Today is one of those days. Lately, I have felt such a small margin in my life for me to be, sit, listen, write, dream, be unscheduled.....I have such a need for this. When I haven't it had it for awhile, I can feel a little life being sucked out of me. I become inpatient, snippy, and no fun to be around. It is such a deep feeling, like a need to breathe. I fulfill needs all day. And I don't do this half heartedly.
When I am alone, I am just filling my cup. It is hard for me to feel "off" in the presence of anyone else. Something I am slowing learning about myself with new language. There is something that happens for me, something very life giving, when I can write how I feel, take stock, "organize" my mind and heart.
I spy...Bobo
I also have the need to organize myself as a teacher. Much of the time I am "winging" it. But it feels good to be intentional. I also have tasks or curriculum I want to implement and I need the time to do this.
I asked Andrew for 2 hours a week I could call my own. Right now, Deveraux made a deal with me to take Cambria outside if we didn't have to finish our together work. Yikes?!? But I said yes! This is enabling me to write in the early evening with the sun going down.
It can almost feel like a panic if I can't have some minutes to call my own.
There is so much in a given day. Feelings felt, information taken in, social media, To do lists, conversations with kiddos, ....I so want what is being impressed upon me to have a bit of a shelf life instead of living in a revolving door. If the inspiration or new thoughts don't have much air time, it is just on to the next thing and I can feel a bit lost. I want to have some dreams. I believe dreams need time and space to be cultivated and encouraged to surface.
(She made it to the top! We were proud of her!)
So I will keep fighting for time as I go now and take whatever I have remaining and enjoying the last light before I hear the sounds of littles.
(A good hike)
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