Stirrings

(Written a few months ago)

It is one of those got to get it out evenings. I have 30 minutes so here I go....

I wish my inner mind didn't work so much.  Sometimes I wish I felt simpler.  But I feel I am in a good hard place right now that can only be faced going through the center of it.

Last week we had two breakthrough homeschool days.  In the grand scheme of amazing days it wasn't that it was so off the chart, it just contained minimal conflict, persuading, and felt overall less anxious and pressured.  The main element was Bobo getting his work independently completed and so I didn't have to be on him to get it done and then work with him as we corrected it.  I have realized he probably works better when I am not breathing down his neck and keeping is pace.  When he keeps his own pace, we both are out of the battle.  However, he has to be willing to go down and begin and I can't figure out how to get that piece consistently.  This week we are not there yet.

Friendship/community. Oh that word.  I have so many feelings about it and I try hard not to, but I do.  I thought today how sad I am not near my sisters.  I feel such a belonging with them that feels so elusive here.  Not perfect by any means but a belonging.  I decided this weekend I am going to try and not pursue others for a bit.  Not out of a game or spite but just to take a break from the disappointment that often greets me in this place.  I want to take a break from that set up for me.  I also want to focus on my family and feel sometimes my preoccupation with relationships and community can distract me from them.  I don't know why but I am wanting to discover in this season why this is such a hard area for me and why I put so much into this place.  It feels too weighty and I want to discover why.  It's like I can't be trusted in this area until I have done some work here.  Not sure if it makes sense, but it does in my heart.

I want someone to call but I don't. I want to be picked but sometimes I like my simple life.  I wonder if I am missing something in my core that desires so much validation in that area.  It can feel like everyone else is chosen but me.  I can begin to feel too needy in moments.  And I give too much power away in a pursuit that is turned down, but it feels like such a theme in my life.  I was so excited about a potential new friend and it was strong for about a week and now there is nothing and I am again left to wonder, what is it about me or them???

I've always felt something was missing. I am afraid I still do.  I want to do the work to get to the end of this in some small way.

I think part of it is I have so much in my heart and brain in a day.  And I don't have any outlets.  I know I am a verbal processor.

I am would like to be a bit more level, maybe not react too much.  I often take things in my mind too far in their implications.  I have always done this.  I know this about myself.

I realize how little time I have left with my littles.  I passed Cambria's closet and saw her little dresses and was so sad and at the same time grasping the realization that I need to enjoy this time,  It will pass.

But in my day, sometimes there is a quality of getting through because it can be difficult.  I wish it wasn't so.  For instance, today I was solving conflicts between my older two for a good part of the day.  I was trying to read to them while trying to distract a 2 year old so I could get some sentence read.  And I was battling attitudes about school and getting children to be scholars and work hard.

I love that they all have something they offer in the state they won't offer again as they grow.

I want to fit into my story of homeschooling and not another's.


This song struck me tonight...from Every Mile Mattered...Nicle Nordeman

"I want the medal
Don't want to settle
I want the victory lap, You in the stands
Why is it hard to believe
You just want me
Just as I am

[Chorus]
I could stand, I could fall
You want all of me
I could run, I could crawl
You will always be
You're not impressed, with all of my best
Not disappointed, when I don't land on my feet
In everything, You are asking me
To lean"