Receiving

I asked for something and I have not been good at receiving. 

It is never the way we want it, the "packaging" we hoped for, the color we think we look best in....

We moved to California and once again I was a "fish out of water" trying to figure out this new pond.  Where do I fit, where do I belong, who will choose me...."God. please use me" was my prayer.

Fast forward 10 months and I am dropping off Anderson at Sunday School and I see that the kids have their own worship time, something I had just noticed.  I asked Julie, the children's director, who has befriended us.  She said, yes, the kids do worship and I noticed you enjoy worship, would be ever be interested in leading?  Me?  Yes, it kinda fits, I have been a part of two worship teams in the past  I gave it a week and just knew I needed to say yes.  Asking for a prayer of blessing and stepping out in faith, I said yes.

Now after a month into it, I feel my weakness, my insufficiency, I feel this not be what God had in mind for answering my prayer because I don't feel great and confident.  Insecurity.  Yuck!  That old familiar voice that reminds us that "we cannot."  I want to do this and I can't.  I want to play that guitar chord and it just doesn't come out as I want and it never has...I have felt some progress when I had been in lessons for awhile but then we moved or a baby was born and more years passed before I began again.  So now I begin again.  I know I have something to share, but I feel so limited. 

Now fast forward again, because my first time leading worship for kiddos was Good Friday, now it is end of July.  I was also able to co-lead the music and group sessions of Vacation Bible School.  It was a blessing and I will blog more about that later.  I still feel I have a long way to go and I still have to fight those feelings of insecurity.  It also seems every time I practice at home, I am running interference for my own kiddos, so it looks something like this..."stop it, be kind..." and then back into, "Our God is an awesome God..." 

But, I am supposed to be doing this at this time.  I love that a praise song is continually on Bobo's lips and that Deveraux comes up to the front and has lead worship with me both in song and in hand motions.  It is not about my expertise or how well I play, it is about giving and teaching and leading worship.  I feel challenged for the days ahead, to really give of myself and pour into this journey and to grow and to give!

Andrew has been so supportive, now he often is in charge of making sure the words appear on the screen.