Through every season....

I love my children.  I have told them each at different times, "I love being with you."  I really do. 

And then there are those times when it is harder.  I don't know why a particular season comes but lately, it has been more difficult.  My tendency is to say within myself, "we just need to get it back where it was...when things went smoother, you didn't act out as much, I didn't hear any whining, there was no arguing or harsh tones."  I want that peaceful calm everything is going along smoothly day. 

My mom has been visiting and I think I especially feel some pressure to show her only the best side of Anderson and Deveraux.  Why?  Maybe so she will see the best side of me.  Maybe so she will have a smooth peaceful day.  Maybe so she will know that my kids often don't act that way.  Maybe so I feel feel more peaceful and calm. 

Maybe all of the above.

It sometimes is harder when I am with someone else (besides Andrew) and my kids.  We have been on our own a lot and I guess it goes along with my people pleasing self that when it is just me, I can just be me with he kids and I know I am more attentive to them, not as worried if everyone and everything is okay and go with the flow a little more.

I found myself on our bike ride today correcting Bobo so much.   "Don't go there, come here, stay on the path, we have to catch up, don't stop...."  Correction and guidance of course are necessary and good.  But I also don't want to be driven by an energy that is so focused on accomplishing some sort of goal I had in mind that doesn't allow room for the moment or room to be a boy.

I thought today, when we are in a hard season, I want to pour out the love even more  Love on that boy and that girl.  Tell them how much I love them even when sweetness is not on their lips or when I wish they would act differently.  Isn't that how God is with us.  He sees our ugly and He embraces us and calls us to more and shows us that His love covers a multitude of wrong. 

I want to see those moments of my two loves arguing with one another as an opportunity...

I want to see that whine as a pocket that needs to be filled with love...

I want to see that "momentarily deaf ear" not listening as I say, "red stop" as a moment to correct in love.....

I want patience, not a cringe inside my soul. 

I don't want peace at any cost, I want love at any cost.

I want to be directed, not always direct

I want to know it is okay and "this too shall pass"

I just want to love.

"His power made perfect in my weakness!'