Space

(My flowers look nothing like this right now, all have mostly died  I wll start
again wth new ones soon!)

What is "me time"?

 In the beginning of "mommyhood", I was one to say, "be careful not to loose yourself." 

 In a way as you mother or be a wife, a friend, a neighbor..you do kinda lose yourself in a good way or maybe you don't hold onto yourself so tightly. 

Love says, I am not the most important all the time.

 Not as, "I am non existent" but that my needs are not the most important all the time.  Or, " I can get involved in who you are and still be a person."  Maybe my interests sometimes get put on the shelf, but they are still there.

I don't love the word, "me time".  Maybe it has been overused or it just sounds very "me."  I feel it doesn't accurate portrayal of what is needed.  It hit me the other day that what I really crave at times is:

quiet time, creative time, non responsive time, space....

It fulfills that introvert part of myself.

So I continue to find space in the days to be in the Word, write, read, sit, and find some creative outlet...

and that is good!

(This sweet treasure I brought back with me from Mississippi.  A little white shelf my husband made in
7th grade shop class when he was young...I love it!)

Martin Luther King, Jr. Day

We headed to Santa Cruz for a family day in surf and sun!

Deveraux read us some famous words from MLK Jr.

We built a "I have a Dream" cake...Deveraux's idea

I am so glad his dream came true...still areas to work on...but there has been progress!

He was so cold, shivering, but still wanted to go back out in the water to paddle

to where our stuff was on the beach.

Right behind Deveraux was where Drew went out and surfed a bit.

It is great for him to engage with the waves, he has not done it a lot

since we moved, it is just cold!  He said the break felt like Maui.

Deveraux loves climbing rocks!

We headed into town for dinner and finished the night with ice cream! 

So yummy...warm waffle cone with ice cream...Delicious!! 

On the way home we had a good talk with Dev about MLK.  Her response to the choices people made against black people was "nonsense."  Difficult to even understand, to comprehend.  It was good to talk about and discuss with her what would that have been like if we had been born during that time. 

We had two sleeping babes when we pulled up in the driveway.

A good day.

longing

I have had a persistent longing.  I haven't yet written about it here, but I will a little bit today.

I would love to have a third child.

I have had this desire for a few years.

Andrew however, is content with our family of four.

So we have had an impass.

We have had impasses before in our marriage, this one feels big and I feel such

uncertainty of how it will be resolved.

 

Over the Christmas break, I felt a huge blow as my brother in law shared

the statistics of the risks of those over 40 who have babies or try to have babies.

I despise that there is a limit.  It is like limiting love.  It is a reminder we are finite.

I am such a determined person.  I never put on those words to describe myself until I was talking to Andrew about all of this.  However, determination cannot get me a baby. 

....But determination didn't really get me my first two!

Since coming home, I have had the feelings of....these are your two babies, this may be it-

embrace them with everything-savor it all and don't live as though you will have more.

Don't save up.

Yet, it is so hard, grieviously hard to think I won't go through pregnancy, feel the breath of another infant baby, see all those many first's and discover and unfold a new life, I want a little more "crazy".  I don't want to be done.

So of course adoption comes to mind.  I have an incredible respect for those who adopt.  I long for one that comes from me, but is this a door I need to open?

I have had feelings of regret for waiting so long to have children.  Yet, this has been a good part of our story that we grew together before we brought in another.  But now the time is shorter on this side.  Andrew and I have always joked that we are "late bloomers."  I still feel as though this season of being a mom to young children is not over for me.  I was talking to a friend over the break, she was encouraging as she is adopting young children and she is older than me.  She does not want to be done.  Why does there have to be a "right" way of doing life.  We buy a house, have babies, retire, etc...  I don't want to fall into a box of "how it is done." 

I felt hope as killed as I was hearing the risk factors.  I have continued hoping and praying, God will move, Andrew will change his mind, I will get to do this again.  Thie thing is I have always felt so blessed since we began this family of ours, so full.  The name of this blog is Blessed Days...I have felt complete with all who they are...but there is this cloud that comes in the form of desire that cannot be filled for another.

Andrew felt his fears weren't shifted any with this news over risk factors (he has felt fears int he past, they didn't increase).  His prayer has been for us to continue to be pro-marraige and that we will have open hearts God can work on and bellieving God is up to something in this....

There is a reason I didn't have a phone for several days since returning to CA, a reason my blog couldn't upload pictures, a reason our Bible study has been daring me to love with sacrifice and with God's love not my own for my man...Less preoccupation a reminder to stop and enjoy.  I am reminded time does not give us the luxury of standing still, we have the present once!

Search my heart God. 

Am I just afraid of change of a chapter closing? 

Life can be so disappointing...full of loss, heartache...

Is God enough?  Does He want to meet this desire? Can I trust Him?

Can I let go and know He holds this?

I want to use this season to seek....want to collect my thoughts.  I need space.

I need a retreat to retreat. 

I don't want to keep holding so tight to this...

So tomorrow is my 4 hour retreat to think, pray, write, be, whatever...

Absolutely scrumptious!!

(Bobo loved catching waves that night!)

Back to School

(Bobo saw this picture and said, "wow she looks so pretty")

Back to school

"Armed and dangerous"...with the little blue heart at her waist, her bracelet Heather gave

her when we left, and her teddy bear in her backpack!

I had been nervous for this day. 

Deveraux had tears over family in CO.

But on Sunday, I felt some perspective as I received some clarity and relief.

I thought about how the future is uncertain. 

I don't know if Devearux will be at River Elementary next year but we have this time and

she has this time.  She can be a light for whoever comes in her path and she can just go for it!

She also had a break through after that first day of school.

She said that she now focuses on what she has to look forward to about school, like

music class instead of what is negative.  She also said what helps her for school is

to have things to look forward to.... like a treat for having a good week (last week we had a movie

night at home with lasagna and popcorn) and she likes when I pick her up to tell her I am proud of her and she did a great job!

We were driving in the car the other night to church.

Deveraux brought up school in reference to next year.

I asked, "do you want to be in school next year?"

She said, "yes"  Of course I was surprised as I thought we were just going to make it through this year.  I said, "I thought you wanted to be home schooled."  and then proceeded to ask some questions.  She said she gets tired of my questions and that she doesn't like being in the spotlight.  But I also told her there are many times she does love to chit chat.  She expressed that the outside of her doesn't always show what is going on inside of her.  She said, "you don't know my heart."  She said you ask so many questions.  I agreed and said, "Deveraux I am a counselor (at heart)"....to which she responded "you ask really good questions."  But I agree sometimes I need to go easy!  I learn from this little one! 

We find our way as she grows.

Some of things she was saying pained me.

But I want her to be an individual apart from me.

I want her to be able to express herself.

She so often looks to me and I think sometimes she probably feels like she can't "go against me."

But she can and should at times.

Ahh this process of growing up!

Last night, Bobo held open the door for Andrew.

He just has this thoughtfulness in him.

I pointed that out to Devearux that we can learn from him.

She said, "yes, that man makes me laugh and is so kind to me and she went on to say, you think when someone is old they are going to have the better manners but when someone is young they can have the better manners."

I have seen how lately as she grows, I need to grow with her.

Some of that growth will go through some phases that are messy.

The same responses and strategies may not always work with her.

I am the mama and I need to be in prayer of how to love her best and

really be on top of things so I am not reactive but aware and continue to have

a patient "marathon" vision for her.  We aren't in a sprint!

I am so glad I have a journey with this girl!

full

Thank you for making my life so full!

"preschool music time"

This is an older post...thought we would have some more preschool times, but not for now.  We had hosted this preschool time and our theme was music.  We had fun dancing and playing instruments with friends!

The New Year begins

January house. 

We are home and ready to see what unfolds.

We took a walk on our first evening home on a lovely path near our house. 

We had to laugh and feel a little fear as we read this sign out possible Coyotes and

Mountain lion sightings in the early evening hours.....mmmmm

So long...for now

What a great visit! 

"It just still stinks that we live far away.  I "get used to it" at times but then

I stop and say, it isn't right and I want to be near.  I want to not say

good-bye.  It is like I get a "teaser" if that makes sense.  My heart is so grateful

though."  (from a text I sent Heather from the airport)

Bobo wanted his picture by the army men!

He loves this skateboard we found on clearance for $8.00. 

Deveraux said, "it has Tink all over it and a picture of

Tinkerbell on the back."  I was okay with it because Bobo

was okay and I wasn't sure how he would take to skateboarding..so

$8.00 isn't too steep an investment.  But when Deveraux brought up

Tinkerbell to Bobo he said, "it's okay I know about girls!"

He couldn't make it any longer!

Just as we were boarding with all our stuff, the gift bag Andrew was carrying broke carrying our extra things, so we were given a lovely black trash bag.  We then had to carry three canvas's from the

masterpieces that were painted in CO and place them on the floor in front of

Andrew but had to be picked up due to an unfortunate substance

coming out of the mouth and onto the floor of someone who was sitting in the seat in front of us!  UGH! 

But the kids slept the whole way and Andrew and I tuned out and tuned into movies!

thank you family for giving so abundantly to us.

We felt so loved and are blessed to have a family such as you all!

Oh so tired!  Our plane was delayed an hour, we arrived in San Francisco

and we were on the road home by 2:00 am, got home and settled around 4:30 am!

Tired, ears plugged from a beginning cold, but I was glad to be in my bed!

When I got up the next morning, Andrew had taken the kids to the store and

I was able to sleep!  I began to smell something but not sure what it was and then

the room looked a bot cloudy, but I was tired and feeling a little out of it.

I went to my suitcase to get my slippers and it had been opened, when I

went to touch the top it was so hot I couldn't and there was smoke coming

off the top because it was leaning on the heater!  Wow, a close call, thank you\

Lord that I woke up and wanted my slippers!