Blessed Days...In His Hands: longing

I have had a persistent longing. I haven't yet written about it here, but I will a little bit today.

I would love to have a third child.

I have had this desire for a few years.

Andrew however, is content with our family of four.

So we have had an impass.

We have had impasses before in our marriage, this one feels big and I feel such

uncertainty of how it will be resolved.

Over the Christmas break, I felt a huge blow as my brother in law shared

the statistics of the risks of those over 40 who have babies or try to have babies.

I despise that there is a limit. It is like limiting love. It is a reminder we are finite.

I am such a determined person. I never put on those words to describe myself until I was talking to Andrew about all of this. However, determination cannot get me a baby.

....But determination didn't really get me my first two!

Since coming home, I have had the feelings of....these are your two babies, this may be it-

embrace them with everything-savor it all and don't live as though you will have more.

Don't save up.

Yet, it is so hard, grieviously hard to think I won't go through pregnancy, feel the breath of another infant baby, see all those many first's and discover and unfold a new life, I want a little more "crazy". I don't want to be done.

So of course adoption comes to mind. I have an incredible respect for those who adopt. I long for one that comes from me, but is this a door I need to open?

I have had feelings of regret for waiting so long to have children. Yet, this has been a good part of our story that we grew together before we brought in another. But now the time is shorter on this side. Andrew and I have always joked that we are "late bloomers." I still feel as though this season of being a mom to young children is not over for me. I was talking to a friend over the break, she was encouraging as she is adopting young children and she is older than me. She does not want to be done. Why does there have to be a "right" way of doing life. We buy a house, have babies, retire, etc... I don't want to fall into a box of "how it is done."

I felt hope as killed as I was hearing the risk factors. I have continued hoping and praying, God will move, Andrew will change his mind, I will get to do this again. Thie thing is I have always felt so blessed since we began this family of ours, so full. The name of this blog is Blessed Days...I have felt complete with all who they are...but there is this cloud that comes in the form of desire that cannot be filled for another.

Andrew felt his fears weren't shifted any with this news over risk factors (he has felt fears int he past, they didn't increase). His prayer has been for us to continue to be pro-marraige and that we will have open hearts God can work on and bellieving God is up to something in this....

There is a reason I didn't have a phone for several days since returning to CA, a reason my blog couldn't upload pictures, a reason our Bible study has been daring me to love with sacrifice and with God's love not my own for my man...Less preoccupation a reminder to stop and enjoy. I am reminded time does not give us the luxury of standing still, we have the present once!