How will I look back?
I talked with my mom today. She was looking back. She began with regret. Those things that she wished were not so in her lifetime. She knows she has heaven but she is sad that some things, very important things, were not realized this side of heaven.
Of course my heart breaks a bit. She says, "love ya, love ya, love ya" and we say good-bye. How many more times will I hear "Love ya, love ya, love ya." I would like to bottle that as I want to bottle up my kiddos growing sometimes.
My heart is grieved because my mom is speaking of an ending. She is at that point of looking back and that is her reality and our reality. I will never be ready to say good-bye to my mom even though there are painful days of how she has to exist with the disease of Alzheimer's. My heart is also sad because she will not receive the hope she had of a whole marriage.
It made me then ponder, How will I look back. I am totally in the thick of things right now in my life. I am "all in" everyday. I have three bodies and minds looking to me to guide and instruct in the next step. These are those days my mom is looking back to and I have opportunities with God's hand to mold and shape the days. To answer the question, how do I want to look back...by how I am living today.
Today after listening to a podcast I was struck with the thought, Let me be worthy of the calling. I am the one giving the first messages on a daily/hourly basis about learning, creativity, and who they are in Christ. I want to encourage and bring good things out. To emphasize the important. To not say one things and do another. The woman being interviewed (on the podcast) has written an amazing Bible for children. She said she didn't spell well and her head was in the clouds a lot when she was young. And today she is being so used mightily by God. I need the vision, perspective, and trust that I can lead my three trusting we don't always have to have it perfect, finish the book, go in order....We can be used mightily by God because of Him not because of ME.
It brings so much into question of what I believe about myself and what I believe to be important and how sometimes I rely on outside things to give me meaning or value. I am home schooling for myself! For God to do a work in me and my kids get to go along for the ride!
Today is the day I want to look back on and smile.
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