Friday, October 14, 2016

"The desert is a greeenhouse"

A question was posed in my Bible Study, A Praying Life.  "As you think about your own desert. how do you see/have you seen God lingering at the edge?  In what ways do/did you perceive him growing faith in you?"

The chapter had talked about how God isn't an answering prayer machine.  We don't always know what he is up to.  There are reasons....some we might know and others maybe not.  One of the reasons the author suggests is that it allows for relationship.  "When we hang in there during ambiguity, we get to know God.  In fact, that is how intimacy grows in all close relationships."  We also have some space for faith and for growth. 
And God is in the business of growing things...sometimes I wish he wasn't.  But that is his care for us and desire for us to emerge.  "Jesus creates the space not only for Him to emerge but us as well.  If the miracle comes too quickly, there is no room for discovery, for relationship.  He is wooing us to himself.  The waiting that is the essence of faith provides the context for relationship.  Faith and relationship are interwoven in a dance...relationships are rich and complex. 
Faith builds relationship.  God allows the desert.  "The desert becomes a greenhouse for Faith."

I have to think about this, the idea that faith builds relationship.  Because often when faith is required, I want assurance.  When faith is asking something of me I want guarantees.  When faith knocks, my knees buckle and I feel uncertain and I just want to feel out of the place of needing faith.

I would not like my relationship with Andrew if he just said, "Yes ma'am."  to everything.  And then give me what I want.  We would not have the creativity, adventure, individuality, "iron sharpening iron" and mystery of everyday living together.  It would not be rich with life and I would grow to despise.

I have had a lifetime of insecurity.  Not only in friendships but in my career of counseling, at graduate school, and now as a homeschooling parent.  I would love for that to go away.  I would love to always feel self assured.  I have many times wanted God to just tell me what to do.  Just give me assurance.
I have been ready to have that turn with a room full of people where I am looking out and sharing my "completed" story, looking back on events in my life and feeling all the accolades that accompany such a moment.  Instead often I am on the side aisle battling insecurity as well as gratefulness at the same time.  I am just normal. 

 
 
 
And my story has not been one of ease of heart.  But God has wanted me, Shannon, to grow and to emerge.  He has brought me into the desert more than once.  He wants something.  He wants me to emerge.  He wants me to fight to be present, to have a voice, to call His name, and to engage with Him.  To just have Faith.  And to be in relationship with Him so I can realize His love for me. 

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