mom

I feel so sad.

My mom is literally about 3,299 miles away from my home and I feel those miles.  We have not lived in the same state for about 11 years and before that it was 4 years.  But I could find connection on our weekly Saturday talks and our much look forward to visits.  Those things helped the miles.  The familiar tone of her voice, the listening ear, sometimes the advice given, and the way she would enter my world fully when she came into it physically.

Not so much now.  I feel the miles.  Sometimes our conversation lasts only 5 minutes.  Unheard of a couple of years ago.  There was a day when my mom would give me all her minutes and would want to talk to me more than anything else.  Today she wanted to get off, makes me so sad and I hate this disease and how it changes my mom. 

I feel the miles.

Last week I wondered if she wanted to go and so I asked.  I caught her in a glimmer as she said, "No, I want to talk to you."  There she was. 

 

I have always struggled when I have had connection with someone or thought I had connection and then I no longer have it.  I can't process with them how I am feeling.  I can't express with my mom how I wish she was whole, aware, had a presence of mind, or how I feel so sad for the absence of her.  That is now my burden to carry alone.

I feel the miles.

I am grieving.  It is a slow letting go with Alzheimer's.  I think I feel that grief interwoven at times throughout my day.  It is a heaviness.  It is a letting go of someone on the earth who knew you and loved you.  Someone who chose you. 

My mom had flaws.  Honestly, there were times I felt the gap of what my mom was not.  But she loved me.  I never doubted that.  She felt like home to me.  In spite of her failings, our wanting so much more for her in her healing, and the ways she denied a fuller life...
....She was a soft place to land.  She didn't give me everything at times when I felt the space of what I really wanted from her...but she was steady, she was there, she offered devotion, loyalty, and Jesus.

I feel the miles.

I hear her voice in my day.  "Walk in the light you have.", "Just another ugly day in paradise", "Love you, love you, love you",

She contracted the dreaded disease.  I won't be able to say mom anymore.  That role will be gone and that is just so terribly sad.  We were meant for moms.  But I want mercy for her, wholeness, she needs to see the face of Jesus.  That is more than my seeing her face. 

Maybe I won't feel the miles.

 

You've been there mom.  I love you!