Life with my boy..on some days

Written in August.

I hate coming to the end of myself nearly every day. It seems so out of my control. Bobo is out of my control. In my view, he doesn't respond to my kindness, patience, sacrifice. And so I blow up internally when pushed externally.  I think, I cannot and will not do this. My fist (internally and metaphorically) shakes at Bobo but maybe it's the idea of Bobo. Something not bending to my effort, kindness, hard work, diligence, stubbornness...

This morning it was wanting to show me something on a skateboard.  "No, I say, we have to do reading."
As I am talking to him he plugs his ears.

"Alright buddy, no outside time" and I walk away.

I feel against him. Weary of his antics. Fearful, but I don't stay there. 

Next, feeling like I should be encouraging him more in his writing I give him an idea. He briskly shuts me down.

"Shhh, I don't need you to say anything".  Another jab at my heart.  

I want to pout. I want to tell him how difficult he is to live with, teach, give millions of chances to. It's not fair. Three strikes and it is going to public school for you. I want to hurt him how he is hurting me. I can only be the bigger person for so long. I can only die to self for so long. Bobo. You're going to break me by my feelings of defeat and time and time receiving a wall of attitude, a resistance to the work before him, and disrespect of my role as teacher, and a sense of being above his station. 

But as I pause. I realize he is not the bad guy.  I think it's some of my personality and places I need to work. I have met up with a place (in the form of a person, my son) that requires me to reach for a strength that is not my own. I have come to a crossroads of not everything I put out will be warmly received and is where does my identity and fulfillment come from?

Everyone has a mountain to climb. Bobo was the first to the top on a recent hike we went on as a family. It was just he and I for the last ascent. I was carrying his gear but I was not carrying him and that struck me.  I can carry his gear from time to time because I am his mom. I don't think I have been loving him unconditionally. The conditions have been set by me and every time he breaks them I am exasperated by him. What does it mean to carry his gear but not take on the weight of carrying him and maybe I have been confusing the two?  I don't have to carry him and I believe I have been putting that pressure on myself.

I read this morning. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but a spirit of power, love, and discipline." 

The author of the devotional for this verse in my reading said Paul (the apostle) had an amazing confidence in Timothy. I lack confidence in Bobo. The irony is this verse is the one Andrew and I chose for Bobo as his verse from us.  The author went on to say that Paul was reminding Timothy that his gifts were a gift.  I don't want to be hot and cold to Bobo even though that is what he often presents to us. I want to give him vision for what he does not see and what he can be instead of exasperation and limited vision.

This parenting gig can be hard.  

My relationship to Bobo mostly in a teacher role brings many fears up. It appears as frustration but there is a core that is hits right on fear. "What if I can't pull this off?"  "What if I can't teach him?"  "What if I can't prepare him?"  "What if he puts people off and is too self centered?"

The author commenting on the Scripture passage concludes by praying that those words given to Timothy by his teacher Paul will remind us of God's presence and purpose. 

What am I hitting up against with Bobo?  I am teaching Bobo out of fear. God has not only given Bobo a spirit of love, power, and self disciple but also his teacher, me. 

I need God to show me my next move. Have we made progress in this school at home adventure?  Yes.
Have we had enjoyable moments?  Yes,  But there has been something missing. I need direction and I need to not operate out of fear, habit, responsibility, or .....

I need to move from a place of love.  And love is not always easy.

I want my boy to look forward to his days under me. I want to love him as the Father would. I want us to have vision for him not lack of confidence or fear.

What does this courage to really love look like?  What will be the cost of giving up anxiety?  What will it look like to relinquish control and trust someone else besides me?  What will it mean to not see fruit but to keep on anyway?  What will it require to have the patience to go in again and again and say it again and again.  To know you are right but to love first.  To not have to prove or have it be fair but to love.

I am learning about love through my son.  

And I love my boy.  More than I can say or express.  My world would not be as rich or as much fun without Bobo. He adds spice, adventure, spontaneity, curiosity, lightness, the ability to not hold onto things, and love.  

Give me the courage.