I need to be so aware of myself and how I operate and what is triggering me so
I can deal with it and not put it on them. But what helps that is a support system
which I lack right now. It's like I need to figure out so much, working on
myself, our school room- but I need to do it in real time with 3 real people with
real needs always present. And I'm in charge.
In the Spring, I started having so many stirrings. It was good but somewhat
painful because I felt that I was working a harvest but not seeing a lot of
fruit. It was a bit of a wilderness. Below my words are some of
what was coming from the season. I also have started pondering
a bit of the Enneagram, a way of looking at personality.
Places I feel I have operated from:
Just tell me what to do and I'll do it.
I have had such a strong inner life.
I am not to be trusted.
I have things to offer but I can't make anyone want those things.
I just want to be alone and sometimes let my mind wander.
I want to be ALL things to my kids.
A good question I heard:
"What was I before anyone told me who I was supposed to be??"
I realized that I have had dreams and somewhere I think I stopped
dreaming dreams and I don't know why but I can't seem to
conjure up any concrete dreams now. I listen to podcasts and they speak of not
being afraid and "going for it" as one steps into their dream.
I don't really have anything for that space and it troubles me. It has to do
with feeling like I am somehow missing something in my story. I don't
know if that has to do with performance or achieving and so I feel like I need
to do something or God placed something in my heart long ago and fear
has stopped me. I do feel like I have limited myself at times because of
feeling uncomfortable as well as strong emotions I have battled. I remember
my mentor Allison telling me that I was a woman of turmoil and I would
be hated by others and that I would do great things.
That all reinstates with me but as at times felt like pressure.
Both making sense and feeling have I missed something?
I have always wanted to be a mom and I could not be more
filled with my three but I just still feel like there is something... and I don't
know how to get it.
I also realize community has always been a theme for me.
In high school I wanted to start a research center all based around community.
I have been chasing community in my own life for a long time.
When is the dream just a dream, to say a dream and to be thoughts
in ones head and when does a dream launch and what does that look like?
I don't even know why but it conjures up tears, not sure of all the reasons why?
I want to live lighter. Just let this go and be in my little life. But I keep getting pulled back here. Is it my turmoil or is there something here for me that I need to do
I think my kids will be be okay. And turn out okay. I will regret all this worry .
Feels like I am wide open to him. I am tender. Bobo in tears and yelled to me how much he didn’t want to go to ukulele. Instead of preaching at him I told him a story about a time in my life I cried everyday going to work. But the good that came of it. It felt really good to connect to my story. I don’t tell my kids a lot of my stories.
At every corner it seems there is a trapping. Bible study good but lack of community i wanted. The reality is I may not talk to any of those women unless I pursue inbetween Bible studies. That kills me-not what I had intended. How will I walk in it?
Going through this wilderness right now and I don’t want to stop the study just because I am struggling, but how transparent am I, how transparent will I be? My faith begins to get a little wobbly even though I don’t want it to.
Trying to have a good lesson with the kids but get so stopped by Cambria. At every turn we can get stopped by something, someone. This season feels trying but important.
(They know I loved that they did this...)
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