I was thinking about a past blog, I wrote about how so many things as a mom tug at me for attention and how often I give that focus and time away to things of lesser importance. It struck me that I felt similar my past job at Hope Communities, a non profit community based organization offering assistance to the poor. I remember being struck by how I would get so into my programming duties and planning from my front office that I could easily miss that needy individual walking off the street and into our front door, the very reason we had programs. I may have changed jobs, but tendencies remain. It is a good reminder. Some of this may be human nature and some it my personality, but when I find similar tendancies between now and in the past, it is strangely comforting, maybe it is confirmation that I am still doing a good and important work it has just changed and I guess there is comfort in that we still take us with us wherever we go, not sure all the reasons that is comforting.
Deveraux said to me the other day, "You are really young"...."40 is young!" "Hot dog, yes it is, sometimes they just say the exact right thing! I think she was thinking about counting and yes, 40 is not such a high number!!
Deveraux and I set about to do her homework yesterday. Sometimes it can be enjoyable and I like teaching her. But often, I feel rushed and I don't enjoy the effects that "homework" produces...we have to get it done instead of just enjoying the learning process. I felt frustrated and when I feel her pushing, then I pull harder. I think back and wonder, what if I had pulled her into my lap and just forgotten time, schedule, agenda and just sat with her and wondered why she was having a hard time. Instead, I want the result and I try to achieve it head on. Later I asked her what could we do differently? She responded by saying, "Maybe we could pray before we start next time....."
On our way to school we often pray for our day. This morning, Deveraux and Anderson both wanted to pray. When my turn was over, Anderson had asked first to pray, when he stalled, Deveraux jumped in to pray. Then Anderson got upset and interrupted her prayer. When I told them someone would have to give in and go last, Deveraux graciously assumed the role. However, she had a mini song/conversation during Bobo's prayer, which then I had to stop his prayer to speak with her. Then she prayed, it seemed she may have left Bobo's name out of her prayer while including dada, mama, and herself. Although, she prayed a wonderful prayer mentioning new faces that we have begun to meet here. Haha, I wonder if God chuckles at some of the prayers that are lifted up to him. Then I also had to think about how Anderson without pause lifted up Deveraux in his prayer, we get a little more crusty, resentful, harboring the older we get. I love how kids are so quick to forgive and move on without a thought.
I would like to be settled in God. Not, we should be.... or I don't have time for all I want to do... I haven't read one library book and we have had them for 24 hours- we will just do and be present. My heart seems in a constant longing place unless I get lost in something. We are not home? I want to be today and whatever moment I am in to give myself without worry or plan for what comes next. A gift to me and my kids. Whatever we miss out on can be recovered tomorrow .....(just some thoughts one day)
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