packing.... take three

This was my laundry pile....yup!

I am glad Rome was not built in a day either!

I had been busy painting and getting ready for good-byes....

I needed to soon be on the task of packing!

 

I am feeling a bit pressed in and overwhelmed. 

I think because we added packing to our schedule.  We also added new homeschool curriculum for Deveraux.  I am still working out our schedule in regards to how much I sit with her.  I want to be really involved but I also want her to be an independent learner.  I know I just have to take a deep breath (I just did). I know we will get it all done.  In leaving there is of course the practical...we have to pack a home and clean.  Then there is the equally important process of saying good-bye to those faces and places we have grown so fond of....we will try to do both without feeling too crazy.

 

Bobo's face was funny  He was just playing with the kitchen

stuff waiting to be packed.

"I come so they may have life and have it abundantly."

Keeper of my stories

I never blogged about the events that went on in August concerning mom.  Then everything happened with dad and our move.  So I wanted to make sure I marked this also very trying and fearful time.....God is in the business of trust.

When I spend time with God, it's like all my senses get heightened.  I start looking and listening for God....providing me the greatest meaning and hope.  

Mom met with a neurologist today. 
We have been experiencing some short term memory loss with mom.  Mom bravely decided to follow through and check things out.
I am still waiting to hear from Stef. 
I am fearing the worst.

On August 3rd, I found out from Stef that through Mom's appointment she might either have early onset Alzheimer's or a brain tumor!  What!  The news felt final, shocking, like a dream, really, my mom?  Is this happening?

Today, mom then told me maybe they were jumping to conclusions and it could be something else or dementia.  I felt weary.  Wiped out.  An uncertain future. 

I am a wanderer.  Prone to Wander.  You can't "stockpile" grace.  Sustenance.  Dependence.
We are dependent on God for a reason.

Mom-she has been the keeper of my stories.  Now what if she won't remember.  Andrew encouraged me and said, if I receive an authentic response when I tell her, then I keep telling her. 

Andrew said, "you bring life."  Which I love because death was such a fear growing up.

Mom's tests today, August 14th.

Tomorrow she finds out the test results.

I gave mom a charge today that even if she looks back on her life as disappointing or not very good, God can re-create a different story for her future.  This potential "diagnosis" of tomorrow does not define her.  She is a child of God.  He defines her.  Hers is a redemptive story.  She has too much to offer to give into insecurities, fear, the story of "me", or that she is done.  I am ready to see what happens tomorrow so we can say, "Now what"....and move forward.  I have hope.  I serve a living God who always gives a reason to have hope.  He gave the only thing most precious to Himself for us.  I want to live a good story for Him-to love well.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow-mom found out she does not have Alzheimer or a tumor due to an incompetent PA who gave a wrong diagnosis and/or a mighty God- mom has been given a "second chance."  Her story is redemptive, not just one of loss and disappointment.  She can now get out from under this fear cloud that she has lived with for so long.

I sit in this place of goodness.  I love that I am home schooling, it feels like a fit.  I love that mom does not have Alzheimer's.  I love the blue sky in Carmel today.  I love my husband.  I loved last night as the four of us wrestled on the bed. 

pirate day

"Do pirates wear tennis shoes?"  Bobo asks me as I am helping him put on his tennis shoes. 
Yes I believe so.  He replies, "Sometimes to buy groceries." 

 

 We are headed out as pirates to dig for treasure.  Andrew and I with the kids one day discovered an area rich with sea glass and pottery.  I had to go back.  With my trusty mom pirate, Joy and her crew by our sides, we set off for a treasure hunt.

"arrrr matey!"

Our littlest pirate!

We hid some pretend jewels and some granola bars with

an X marks the spot for some fun treasure hunting for

the boys.

Deveraux was the most tenacious treasure hunter,

she brought in a lot of loot!

 

Our treasures

He came back!

I watched the sun go down tonight on the beach in such a different place as I had watched the sun go down on the water last night.  I did not want the sun to go down last night, it just felt like something would be final.  Just last night, the world had turned upside down.

I talked to dad tonight.  I waited all day.  It was so good to hear his voice.  He is not fully himself of course.  Tired, sore throat....alive!  It was his voice to me, Shanny.

It is such a strange thing.  To talk to someone you thought you never would again this side of heaven.  I imagined telling him I love him and getting that one more time.  I groaned for that.  It happened.  I got to tell him I love him and hear him say it back.

It feels like he came back to life.  In my heart I was feeling the loss of him.  He came back to life!

Enlarge and increase my faith.  God, you listen, act on our behalf, you are affected by us, and just loves us so much.  He answered.  Yell it from the mountaintop....."He is alive!!!"

One more time

HE IS ALIVE!!!!

Kimberly called.
He is alive.

We went from the utter depths of despair to crazy heights of Joy.
I have never been in that place of grief to then go to that kind of relief.   Ever.

I get one more time.
Jesus has answered our prayer.
He has granted mercy.
He heard our groans.
He heard.

thank you for the prayers of belief.

one more time

They are calling off the search for our dad.
The weather is not good.
They will not search until Monday.
They are not hopeful.

I could hardly breathe.
Heather called me outside Safeway.
"no no no no!"
This can't be.
I am pushing my cart down the parking lot, the loud clatter matching
the craziness I feel.
I am gasping.

It is guttural.
Real and still not.

I just want one more
One more talk.  Just one more.

There is no one who loves me the way my dad does.... in his way to his Shanny

It hit me tonight as we watched the ocean.
This is the hope of glory.
dad, if you are off that mountain and so with Jesus,
we will see you.
The hope of glory.
this is not a positive spin.
This is the only hope we have this side of heaven.

Dad, I love you so much.
I want to talk to you about all of this.
I groan.  It is real.  It is a dream.
I just want one more time.

Come home

"Have they found Papa yet?"  Bobo asks.
Yet...it means they will, right?

My dad is missing.
I vacillate between complete grief and a disbelief dream.

How is this possible.
The call came this morning.
He was hiking in Maui, supposed to return last night, and did not come home.

Deveraux said she was supposed to go climbing rocks with Papa....
she loves to climb and I had told her papa and her would go. 
She said if they don't go here, they will climb rocks in heaven.

We are all waiting.
Where is he?
Where are you dad?
This is not supposed to be....
We are not ready

I just want to talk with him.  I just want to hear his voice.  I just want to pick up the phone and just touch base,  I did call his cell phone to tell him I love him, to tell him I am sorry I haven't emailed him recently  I feel so guilty about that.  And yet, I know he knew.

Deveraux said, "It is not a normal day without Papa."

I just keep praying,
He loved Earthbound farm...(the pictures). 
He loved reading this blog.

Come home dad is all I can pray.  Come home.

Deveraux gave me this note:

"Dear Mama, I know how scare it feel to be missing your dada and

then he is missing sometimes.  I ask a lot of questions when I am

sad.  Jesus is with him. "

Love, Deveraux 

Amen!

Baptism and Castles

"Praise God from whom all blessings flow!"

We were blessed with the honor and privilege

of witnessing our dear friend, Young,

be baptized.  It was a day of celebration indeed!

"But they who seek the Lord, shall not be in want of

any good thing."  Psalm 35:10

Our row for Young

Then we all went out to celebrate!

Young loves playing with Bobo!

Deveraux wrote...."Here we come Maui"

We headed to Carmel beach for the annual sand castle

contest.  It was fun to see the creations!

Then that evening we gathered again for our Storyline Bible study.