And we have weariness, staying up too late, not filling our cup, running dry, and ndividuals in the family each having their own needs.
Wanting to bless our Deveraux one morning.
What I'm thinking about is wanting to introduce my kids to all the music and experiences that I had growing up in my family but you have to be in constant attention to be intentional.
I remember when I started homeschooling, one of the images in my head was seeing Deveraux before school being lost in song on the back of a chair in the living room and knowing I had to stop that moment and take her to school. Something about that didn't fit to me. Now she can sit on the back of the chair and not be rushed off to school. However, I find myself having transferred that pressure from school to me. I'm the one who needs to get her off the back of the chair.
My own homeschooling journey has not been easy. From two siblings who often cannot do group work without disturbing the peace in one another to a new toddler disturbing the peace. Sometimes I am not sure where to put my attention and so the only thing I know is to keep everybody on their book work tasks so at least I have that feeling of accomplishment. Because at least the productivity makes me feel like I am not failing at this job.
A Launiopko sunset.
I always struggled with my school counseling job in that if I focused on paperwork, I did not see kids. If I spent time with kids, paperwork wasn't completed. I would always have a stack of things that I had read sitting on my desk and making me feel continually behind.
These are things I want to continually pay attention to and know I didn't arrive on this journey with one bus stop but so many stops along the way...on train, canoe, and plane. I need to embrace that that has been our story. The worst thing I could do is not be present and aware to the story and the backstory and thus not embrace it. It is ours and I want to know it, embrace it, and hopefully thrive from it. I want to be on the lookout for those times when things resonate in my soul and I'm not just copying someone else and I can claim, this is what works for our family.
(Building a pool area)
It's funny because I went inside after I wrote these notes on my phone after a run and my three were puzzled over the T.V. that was not working as the wrong buttons had been pressed. No chores completed, no Math completed for Dev, and no breakfast all around. UGH. So there I am with the tension of thankful we are not rushing off to school but feeling all the tension that responsibilities were not taken up. I think I am on the lookout for evidence that this toil of my hands is having a return. I have my eyes pealed for the harvest. How often in life we want that harvest especially when it feels like toil. This is the hardest job. It truly takes all of me. To problem solve with little beings in my care that I have so much stake in, to take up the responsibility in preparing them for life ahead, to stand in the gap, and take their frustration and disbelief in what I am doing knowing it is for their good, and to be at the center of mostly needs and the same message on repeat.
It is not just about me. I am asked to this calling right now. The calling isn't about my comfort and ease. It is about saving lives. Everyday. I hope as the earth sings praises for a God that nourishes it ..."The earth is satisfied with the fruit of your work." Psalm 104...that one day I can see that my family was satisfied with the fruit of my work. But I just may not see that in the daily and I need to stop letting that be my gage for my emotional temperature each day. Nourishing doesn't depend on the nourishers, it depends on the one nourishing.
So I have to be plugged into my Nourisher daily! That is the answer. I feel like I am learning on the job every hour and that is okay it just means I need to depend on Jesus and the Spirit. I need this dependence so I can survive and thrive in this world of mine that is a true blessing just one that requires everything because that is who I am.
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