Blessed Days...In His Hands: Retreat

My retreat to retreat. I needed some space and time in the New Year. I need this kind of time at different intervals and a good practice to continue to grasp hold of periodically. I had several hours (thank you Andrew) to sit, read, pray, and be outside (my favorite). For my first stop, I found a spot in the shelter of a big rock with the sun warm against my back on the sand. I felt I had set aside the time for me and God and I just breathed. As I began this time it felt good. I was letting down and letting in, it was important and I was anticipating, hoping....

These pictures were of a Church I had always wanted to check out. I had been feeling a lack of connection in two crucial places, my relationship with God and my marriage. Connection is so important to me.

These were some of my thoughts at the time. a few weeks ago (I feel I am seeking and I change and move but the process is important)..... I continue to wonder what God thinks about my desire to have a baby. I mostly feel He has been silent. I feel stuck like I can't move forward in life because no one else will be vigilant about this desire and keep it alive. I think this is the case for many of us, we keep our "causes" going out of fear at times. I may say I trust, but I mostly live as though I don't trust God with this and that He will indeed give me this desire of my heart. If I could just know that He says, "no" to this I could grieve and let go.

I have been reading Oswald Chambers, My Upmost of His Highest, almost daily. It has been good for me to read his "seemingly radical" words, a kind of cleansing from the message of the world. Although, just recently I think for my makeup and maybe season of life, I need to read his words through a different filter than how I have been reading ....but that is for another time. I wrote some quotes of his that I have been reading about from different days..."Sanctification is God's idea of what He wants for me. The child of God is not conscious of the will of God because he is the will of God. Are we living in such human dependence upon Jesus Christ that His life is being manifested moment by moment? If we are in communion with God and recognize that He is taking us into His purposes, we shall no longer try to find out if we have a purpose of our own, it destroys the simplicity and leisureliness which ought to characterize the children of God. We have no aim of our own."

Of course, I have been wondering how all of this applies to this particular season I find myself in...

(I continued to write)...Yes, there is grief in the days..everyday that passes is another day without knowing if I will have another baby and yet another day older..the waiting costs...no movement where I want movement and movement where I do not want it (age).

But let me not sacrifice what I have because of what I do not have...Two Amazing blessings who need me to be present, loving, patient, and growing with them.

Dwell...Present...Abide

Love sitting close to the rocks and watching the water. I felt mostly peace on my retreat, no tangible answers. but some peace. I prayed that God would help me love Andrew in a transforming way as I had been reading much about in the book, "Love Dare." Andrew and I have much and I also believe there is so much more. I had this experience where I felt my vision get a little clouded and so I thought I would take a walk up to the top of the hill behind me...

When I reached the top I had such a perspective. It was different than siting right on the rocks with the ocean right in front of me. Perspective is an amazing thing. I had the desire for God to "speak to me." My perspective changed when I got to the top of the hill, I saw a bench, I thought, He doesn't have to speak to me to be here, I can just sit with Him.