Swirling things....

Some things working their way around within .....

"Patience...a willingness to suffer."  (Ann Vaskamp)  Such a good quote.  I had always thought of myself as a patient person until I had to be willing to give in when "I am just not ready" or where I just really "need my space."  There is such an invasion of space as a parent.  So many moments I welcome that invasion and I will weep when it is no longer there.  However, every once in awhile when I have a certain agenda and it is blocked, I just feel like I just have to defend that corner to the death.  It is a good thing I have grace and it is a good thing my children forgive.  This note below says much more about forgiveness in my little girl than kudoos about my parenting.  This note is all about love.  This was a day I did not want my way blocked and showed that ugliness in my heat and the need for a Savior from myself....And later in the day, this note appeared.

Deveraux had watched figure skating and so she was playing to part!

 

I desire to have a settlers heart in a pilgrim life....I know this life in Carmel is most probably not going to last forever and once again, life feels a bit unsettled.  I have been so richly blessed with meaningful and really good enjoyable Godly heart passionate women during this season.  If I am to be a "pilgrim" then I want to continue to have a "settlers" heart!  A heart that is willing to "get in there!"

Keeping up on correspondence can be so difficult as it comes in more forms than it once did....email, phone calls, texting...it seems since this move I have trouble promptly responding.  I seem to respond the slowest to email.  It can be daunting when you feel behind in phone calls to your family and then you so desire to catch up with others in your life. I find my life is divided into tasks, being available to my kiddos, quiet or creative time for me, and people time.  There are times in a day where it seems there is just room for our family time and my time.  It feels so good to connect with others and the desire is there, I just run out of space and wonder how others fit it all in....

God's love....We had a powerful time with some new friends that a dear friend had been wanting me to meet.  I had a taste of hearing truth in a whole new way that could be transforming in my life with God.  I don't know that I really grasp the love God has for me. We often grow with the same perceptions of God and I am needing to shake some of those up...I need to see His heart for me!  I need to see myself through His eyes not my own.  I want to be excited, renewed, refreshed, and in some ways approach Jesus in a way I never have....I look so forward to more of these gatherings which feel ordained for such a time as this!

I had a good talk with Stef (now a few weeks ago)... There is often an incongruency in the way I live.  I place many demands on myself of how something should look and those are falling right now on my role as a mama.  I think those used to fall in other areas before I had these two loves.  There has at times in my life been a theme of "it or I can never be enough".  I look for The Formula and I can't seem to get the "right" mixture.  At times, I vacillate between feeling guilty about what I should be doing, sacrifice (good and right that comes with being a parent) and then trying to find my place as a person with good boundaries that I can teach them.  Yet, all of these things are on there own track, not a set formula.  There is err on both sides when I try to make them equal all of the time, it is more like a revolving door.  Not a desperate, have to or else, or fear based, or formula based.  Maybe not saying, "I just want to be a good mom" is not always the right goal.  After we talked, I felt some freedom with my kiddos, it was nice.  I don't always land here, but enough I do.  I hope I can continue to grow in this area!

Bed time....I finally this week have started going to bed a little earlier (by 11:00), it was getting pretty "crazy" and I end up "paying for it" the next day.  I feel it is an act of obedience and something that has been really hard for me.  I have these favorite shows I tape and I want to just curl up and go into "never never land"....which is okay sometimes as long as it isn't midnight and beyond.  I have a husband who has always (most nights) stayed up later than me and does not seem to require as much sleep.  I do....and I just do better and feel better with good sleep.  So as hard as it is and in the late night moment I just want to be spontaneous and worry about tomorrow...well tomorrow....I am a better mama and wife to turn in early!  So that means Drew and I get to catch up on our day and I don't catch up on American Idol, but that is okay, it will still be there later.  I want my time and energy to line up with what I think is most important.