Motherhood

I met with friends today for a lovely day together. 
God has granted me such a cup a cool water in friendship in this season..
I am so reminded of his faithfulness.
I feel I have met my match...and beyond....women who spur me on in the Gospel

I was talking about Motherhood and expressing one of the hardest things for me is finding balance.  I remembered I felt this often in my career as a school counselor.  I would focus on one area, for instance, counseling the students, yet the paperwork area of my job would be neglected.  Similar if I focused on paperwork, students would not be seen.  I find the same for motherhood.  If I start on a task it is really hard to get my focus elsewhere. I also feel if the kids are engaged in an activity, I want that engagement  to remain but then it is easy for me to get off track and dive into my project which then makes it hard for me to leave until completed or at a good stopping place.

I think part of my personality has such a singular focus (a drive) coupled with a desire to do so many different things from projects to keeping a clean house to blogging......that when given a day with children who are no longer completely needy infants I don't always strike a good balance and even wonder what that sometimes looks like.  There is no "good mother gage."  There is our hearts this is what some of these thoughts are about.

More thoughts on motherhood emerged....

When I meet with other moms I can't give my kids that same attention when it is just us.  Of course sharing in the lives with other moms is invaluable, I just often find it hard to engage as much with my two.  I have such a thirst for a rich connection that becomes my focus.  Thus, the days when it is just us, I really do love it and have a focus for them that feels good.  I know both are needed.

Productivity is another area.  It is like I am always searching for productivity and maybe because it gets dribbled out throughout the day or I am always after it like a quest.  So sitting playing dolls can sometimes feel frankly "unproductive."  Though strangely when I have played dolls my cup feels a little fuller at the close of the day.

I was reading a book to the kids the other day (not at bed time) and something was awakened within me.  Much of my recent relating to them is about transitioning activities, cleaning up, outings, maybe a craft project they join me in, etc...  I was teaching them and it felt good, purposeful.

There is always something to grab our attention.  Usually I do the best with my kids if we get out of the house.  But I enjoy being home and I know they do as well.  This summer we were home a lot.  I enjoyed it, I loved seeing them play, but honestly, I also felt guilty a lot....for not being more involved,  I know they grew closer.  But I constantly battled feeling I should have been engaged more directly.  I feel so good when I have poured into my kids.  I can feel such guilt at the end of the day.  I don't want to feel like I always fall short.  I feel I have such an opportunity to bless them.  What would it be like to look at Bobo and say, "go get your fire trucks Bobo, me and you are going to play!"  Because I can and because I love him.  Good intentions only go so far. I can intend a lot, but I also must "do".  I know Deveraux has such relational needs and a desire for closeness, I don't always want to be cleaning while she is sharing with me.

I want them to know I stopped for them!

His provision

I will choose to trust in Your provision.

The other day on a run I passed a house that we looked at to rent but was too

expensive for us.  It hit me at that moment how glad I was that we were not able to

have that house for various reasons I now know and how thankful for the home we found.

Our home has been perfect for us.

 

I will choose to trust in Your provision.

It is so easy for me to look at our current provision and say, thank you.  Then because it is so good,

I quickly come to the conclusion that the goodness cannot come again.  I was showing our house to a friend who is interested in renting it when we leave.  I was so sad as she was taking the picture of our tree (saying how much her daughter would love the tree) and I thought, we don't have such an imaginative yard in Maui, we don't have a tree to hang ropes on.  Then I decide it just won't be as good and forgot who provided these trees, this Carmel, this season.

 

I will choose to trust in Your provision.

Will it always look the same?  No.  Will I have a friend just like the one I have found here.  No.  It cannot be duplicated again, not in the same way.  So there is sadness in loss.  But there is hope for what will be.  I usually take the sadness of loss and again spiral down to the place where again nothing will be this good, it becomes a devastating loss, and I am losing something

 I can never find again.

That is not true, for the God who provides good again and again and again.

 

I will choose to trust in Your provision.

Sometimes I have sought a certain provision and it is not manifested in the way I am envisioning.  For example, I would rather not struggle finding friends.   God may give provision in another area but not relationally, but I have to still ask myself, will I choose to believe He will provide and there is a reason for a particular desert season.

 

I will choose to trust in Your provision.

I have felt like God might be out to withhold from me maybe for my growth.  I had the thought when we were searching for this house in Carmel that maybe He doesn't want me to find a beautiful home and wants me to grow somehow .  But he blew the lid off that one and inspired me more in this house than any previous one.

 

I will chose to trust in Your goodness and Your provision!

Pieces and currents

It seems this summer of faith has given us pieces that slowly begin to make a whole.

Maybe that is how it works most of the time.

We receive pieces, one at a time.

Only when the whole begins to be created do we see part of what is going on....

this almost looked like snow, it was salt.

purple sand

this sweet tiny orange speck of a bug...God created, making his way in the world.

This season of faith

getting motion in bits and pieces.

Movement in Pieces!

At times it feels like movement, other times standing still,

other times going backwards.

All pieces.

"Leap and the net will appear!"

I felt there were two main currents going on this summer.

One of our future and one of our kiddos.

 On the surface was all the details of our future,

yet the current running underneath was the faith walk

we were asked to take.

The other was a summer of play the kids were invited into.

Running underneath the current of their play was the current of their hearts.

Their hearts are so important and with both Deveraux and

Anderson there are areas that we work on.

Two currents of depth...faith and hearts

 

 

Papa D and Tia...in Carmel (April)

helping Bobo "surf"

Peeking through the window at the

Flanders Mansion (path by our house),

we wanted to show Papa D and Tia.

teaching basketball...just like teaching his dada

wonder what he was thinking....

He is always about teaching

The Pacific Grove flowers are just amazing in the spring.

 

teaching math 

We took out the surfboard for the one and only water ride.

It was the one that I found in the trash off the

beach split in half.  We put some glue on it

and used it as décor for his party.  Anderson

has loved playing with it.  The first day, he

dragged it everywhere, front and back yard,

it has been used as a slide and surfed on

the big bush in our front yard.

I love the way they just attend sometimes and watch

and take it in.

Searching for rocks

We love this beach for the great rocks we find!

We say thank you Papa D and Tia for coming to

celebrate with us and Bobo, to discover new lands

in Northern CA, and make more memories together.

We love you!!!