Motherhood

I met with friends today for a lovely day together. 
God has granted me such a cup a cool water in friendship in this season..
I am so reminded of his faithfulness.
I feel I have met my match...and beyond....women who spur me on in the Gospel

I was talking about Motherhood and expressing one of the hardest things for me is finding balance.  I remembered I felt this often in my career as a school counselor.  I would focus on one area, for instance, counseling the students, yet the paperwork area of my job would be neglected.  Similar if I focused on paperwork, students would not be seen.  I find the same for motherhood.  If I start on a task it is really hard to get my focus elsewhere. I also feel if the kids are engaged in an activity, I want that engagement  to remain but then it is easy for me to get off track and dive into my project which then makes it hard for me to leave until completed or at a good stopping place.

I think part of my personality has such a singular focus (a drive) coupled with a desire to do so many different things from projects to keeping a clean house to blogging......that when given a day with children who are no longer completely needy infants I don't always strike a good balance and even wonder what that sometimes looks like.  There is no "good mother gage."  There is our hearts this is what some of these thoughts are about.

More thoughts on motherhood emerged....

When I meet with other moms I can't give my kids that same attention when it is just us.  Of course sharing in the lives with other moms is invaluable, I just often find it hard to engage as much with my two.  I have such a thirst for a rich connection that becomes my focus.  Thus, the days when it is just us, I really do love it and have a focus for them that feels good.  I know both are needed.

Productivity is another area.  It is like I am always searching for productivity and maybe because it gets dribbled out throughout the day or I am always after it like a quest.  So sitting playing dolls can sometimes feel frankly "unproductive."  Though strangely when I have played dolls my cup feels a little fuller at the close of the day.

I was reading a book to the kids the other day (not at bed time) and something was awakened within me.  Much of my recent relating to them is about transitioning activities, cleaning up, outings, maybe a craft project they join me in, etc...  I was teaching them and it felt good, purposeful.

There is always something to grab our attention.  Usually I do the best with my kids if we get out of the house.  But I enjoy being home and I know they do as well.  This summer we were home a lot.  I enjoyed it, I loved seeing them play, but honestly, I also felt guilty a lot....for not being more involved,  I know they grew closer.  But I constantly battled feeling I should have been engaged more directly.  I feel so good when I have poured into my kids.  I can feel such guilt at the end of the day.  I don't want to feel like I always fall short.  I feel I have such an opportunity to bless them.  What would it be like to look at Bobo and say, "go get your fire trucks Bobo, me and you are going to play!"  Because I can and because I love him.  Good intentions only go so far. I can intend a lot, but I also must "do".  I know Deveraux has such relational needs and a desire for closeness, I don't always want to be cleaning while she is sharing with me.

I want them to know I stopped for them!