A School day in March

Reaching our limits, so we realize only through His strength are we able?  But then what?  That is my lingering question in these days of teaching my son.  I know about limits these days.  I know about being spread thin.  I know about needing something beyond myself. 

I don't feel in control.  I'm not even sure at times what to do from one moment to the next.  I put my head in my hands. Exasperated, sad, at a loss, frustrated, impatient...Yes, all the good stuff comes out!

I also know God has said, "My burden is light".  He has said to cast our cares upon Him,  He has said, "Come to me all who are weary and I will give rest."  He wants us to be depend on Him.

So I am trying to merge the two.  Come to Him and surrender my day and allow Him that right place, that in "my weakness He is strong."  Let Him know I fear the future and feel the weight of responsibility of the task of educating my children.  And yet, knowing when I leave my time with Him, I still have to "go back in."  I still am the tangible one here in the classroom trying to find the best ways to lead and teach,  Often, I am not sure what it looks like to be dependent on God on a practical level.

 When I stay in the story(my life unfolding day to day), intimacy grows with Jesus.  When I stay in the struggle or the uncertainty, then space is given for more of me to emerge and thus more of me to grow through the unknown.  We get to be in relationship.  Instead of me asking and God answering an automatic yes or no, then that would be the end of the story.  No, relationship cannot be created in this type of exchange.  And if God showed Himself completely and fully in all His glory, we would struggle to relate to Him and in His glory we would fall on our faces.  So we get to emerge and we get to relate to Him.  Room for relationship  Our faith develops when we don't always have the end of the story or all the answers   (Taken from A Praying Life, by Paul Miller)

Faith.  There is that word again. 

Cambria actually liked it riding in the stroller.  I got

 it from Pottery Barn and it wasn't cheap...but

I wanted Dev to have a really cool stroller.

It has been a beloved and used stroller!

Last week, I headed up the stairs for a break.  I sought the Lord and a word came to me.  Sometimes, I believe that is how God speaks.  The word was structure.  That day I went to work, reworking out schedule and committing to try to stay closer to our time frames for each subject.  So much easier said then accomplished!  I know Dev thrives and enjoys being on a schedule.  We will keep trying that feat.  So a part of dependence is listening and seeing what is impressed on our hearts.

Days later while working with Bobo, another thought surfaced.  That if Bobo struggles in some areas, we will work together and we don't have to be on anybody's time clock.  He is where he is and my pressure won't change that, in fact, it will make it worse.  The thought freed me up. So again, listening and finding freedom in Christ.

I have to completely change my expectations. I can't allow the pressure to dominate and motivate him from that place.  It often doesn't work for me to say, "Let's jam and get this done."  He's not going to "jam".  I would not describe his work focus as efficient and timely.  I have to change my normal ways.  I have to allow me to be different.  To try different.  Not in the way I work,, mmmmm.  I know I can pray for patience and that is something God can work in me, another way for dependence.

  I also need wisdom and time to look into different strategies that will help him.  I need to stay in it.  I want him to feel that it is a joy to teach him and the struggle is not too difficult.  What messages am I sending him?  So dependence can look like asking for wisdom and being a lay expert in different fields as we raise our kiddos.

 

 The joy of the Lord is my strength,  Where does my joy come from/  A successful day of homeschooling?  Winning the Best mommy award?  People's praises?  Having 2 hours of free time?  All of these are elusive in my life even as I look for them.  But His joy could be tangible.  If I stay in the story, my story, do I grow dependent?  Does my relationship with Christ become more pronounced in my life and thus other things do not seem so mountainous?   I maybe don't come up with all the answers but I have peace and joy...and just maybe that bleeds over into my kids and they experience my peace and joy.  And just maybe they then live peace and joy!  Then there is something wonderful going on coming out of dependence and maybe not what I think looks like success.