And I don't know how to fix it.
I feel defeated in my day. I feel like a jeep spinning it's wheels in mud. I don't feel very creative or fulfilled---two things I really value.
I was thinking about a designer on T.V. today when I pulled away for a much needed moment. I thought, I bet she feels fulfilled in her job. She creates all these beautiful spaces for people and is really in her element.
I have the makings to feel fulfilled. I get to stay home. I am able to shape our day. I can choose what I deem important for learning. I get to be with little people I love.
Why am I not feeling more fulfilled? I know it's just a day and I know what a difference one day can make from another. But today this is where I am.
I have a girl that when she feels under the weather, everyone feels her clipped wings. The moods swing and we get to fly with them.
I have a baby I am longing to hang with because her wings are growing so fast that I can hardly believe it, but I am pulled in so many directions I can't always stop.
How do I do this? I want to enjoy and be enjoyed. Instead, it feels like we are just getting through to check it off the list. I am constantly pulling, pushing, and prodding.
Our schedule never really gets completed. I begin the day so full of hope that this will be the day that we get it all done, both timely and enjoyably. Instead, I feel my wings are often dragging as I climb the stairs for the last time ready to begin part two, our after school selves.
I won't give up, its not my style. I will try and pray. I will talk, process, tweak and ask hard questions about what we need to do.
I will try to have perspective on all our wings- their shapes, needs, different styles- and begin again.
Because that is what you do.
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