Tomorrow is my birthday

My birthday tomorrow.  Taking stock.  I am 45.  I have three amazing and diverse kiddos and a husband who loves me.

I woke this morning to an empty house.  Honestly, can't remember the last time that happened.

I slept until 10:00 am.  I slowly picked up a few baby toys, a boy's T-shirt, and a 10 year olds shorts. 

It was quiet.  So quiet.  Noticeably so.

The part of me that liked the quiet knew it would be nosily full again.

The part of me that didn't like it was imagining what my life would be like without all those sounds that fill my life.

I had the luxury (because I did not wake to three) to think through my life without.

I have so many parts to Shannon.  So many roles I have had in the past and before I knew a Cambria, a Deveraux, and a Bobo.  I wanted to make such an impact on the world.  I went into situations and interactions with just me to represent.  Now I often go with three as I am not often without my three.  I was a soloist and now I have a band.  Sometimes I want those other parts of Shannon that used to be in play more often.  Sometimes I so miss my own head space. Sometimes I miss having more than a half hour to myself in a day. 

But as I had those moments this morning in an empty house, mostly I just thought how sad I would be to not hear their voices- laughter, tears, arguing, laughing, reading, squeals, playing...

I would miss teaching them.  Man, I had a hard day yesterday in the classroom.  But I would miss teaching them and our life we live right now.

 It is fleeting.  It is fleeting those moments I get to hold my big/little girl and teach her about how to write effectively.  It is fleeting those moments my boy wants to show me something he has created  and that I get to hear his first read words develop from his tongue.  It is fleeting those moments I get to nurse my last baby and have her lift up her arms and only desire that I just hold her and stay in her presence. 

I am such a thinker and doer.  I am recently being really challenged in these truths.  Yes, I feel and feel deeply.  But I am about doing and thinking about what I am doing.  I am being challenged to stay in the moments.  To not plan, to not always be moving in ways I think are productive, to not be in my head space trying to work stuff out.  To take it in.  Only I can choose this- I have opportunities at every inch of my day to be present and to take in the moment.  It is such a gift if I allow.

That is why homeschooling can bring out the worst in me as it challenges so much of me but it can also again and again ask more of me--if I am willing to answer that call.  To really love these little people in front of me that God has placed strategically there.  Maybe in part to learn how to love more deeply.

I relate so much in my head.  I even do this in my relationship with God.  I think that is why faith has been hard for me...it is more with feeling than with thinking.  I also have had a hard time in moments receiving God's love- His vast love.  Because you have to feel that not think it.  I think feelings became really big for me when I was little and I felt swallowed up by them.  Maybe I committed to not feel that deeply and my head came more into play.  Not sure and need time to continue to think through it all. 

Regardless, I am blessed.  I love my full house.  I love that I am asked of so much because I am learning how to love.  And how much I am loved. 

Sometimes it just takes waking up and having 15 minutes in a quiet house.
(Pics all taken on my birthday)